This is not about the cats.

mrsconn23 · August 2023

Dear Prudence,

Me and my partner are at a complete impasse with regard to his two cats. About six year ago, we found a wonderful and cheap house that we both love. The only problem is that the lease states that we are not allowed to have any pets. As a workaround, my partner’s parents, who live about 1.5 hours by car, were kind enough to take his cats in, where they’ve been since. Now, with little warning and no apparent room for negotiation, his parents have decided that they no longer want the cats and have told my partner that he needs to take them within the next week.

I love cats very much, but I do not want to live with two cats for a number of reasons. One is that I do not feel comfortable with pets in my space. I am very particular about my things and we have built a pet-free house around that for six years Another is that my partner and I both travel a lot for work, and I am not comfortable with people coming into our house daily to take care of the cats while we’re gone. Another, and perhaps the most important, is that we simply are not allowed to have cats in our house! This is the whole reason why the cats have not been living here since we moved in. I love our house and our living situation, and I am not comfortable with the idea of violating our lease.

I have stated my boundary to my partner and he has responded with a series of dismissals (“you’re being dramatic, it will be fine,” “your boundaries need to bend”), insults (“you don’t care if the cats live or die”), and manipulative attempts at control (“I’m not choosing you over the cats”). I am feeling really stuck, like the only solution is for us to take the cats in and for me to concede on my boundaries. If the lease were not an issue, I would be willing to find a compromise (i.e. restricting parts of the house), as I realize that these are his cats and that they are living beings that deserve to be safe and properly cared for, but I simply am not comfortable taking the risk on our lease. I have asked my partner to talk to our landlord and get confirmation that it will be “fine” and to take on anything that she may ask as a result, but he refuses to do so. This is part of a larger problem in our relationship, wherein I don’t really feel like a person to him. I feel that he sees me as something he can manipulate and control to his own ends, rather than someone whose feelings and needs deserve to be respected regardless of whether he agrees with them or not.

—Cat-astrophe

STARMOON44 · August 2023

Just move out.

banana468 · August 2023

I do not believe for one hot second that his parents decided on little notice that they no longer want the cats.

climbingsingle · August 2023

That's really shitty that he refuses to even talk to the landlord about it. So he expects to just violate the lease and cross his fingers?

banana468 · August 2023

climbingsingle said:

That's really shitty that he refuses to even talk to the landlord about it. So he expects to just violate the lease and cross his fingers?

If i had to guess it's going to go

LW: "I called the landlord and we can't have the cats"
Partner: "Well...they need a place to stay and I can't find anyone else."
LW: "Are you sure your parents can't?"
Partner: "No - I guess I need to move out 'temporarily' until the lease is up."

***partner moves out. they break up. flash forward 2 mo and LW calls former partner's parents because mail continues to arrive at the old place***

LW: "Hi I'm looking to see if you have his new address. I have some bills for him. I hope he's doing well"

Partner's mom, "Oh he is. I was so sorry to hear that you two were breaking up last year when it wasn't working out. . He loves that he has the cats again and that was part of the benefit of his own place but I will miss seeing you."

MyNameIsNot · August 2023

I feel that he sees me as something he can manipulate and control to his own ends, rather than someone whose feelings and needs deserve to be respected regardless of whether he agrees with them or not.

This is all you really needed to write.

short+sassy · August 2023

This is something the LW needs to be firm on what is/isn't acceptable. Either they get permission from the landlord. Or they start looking for another place to be. It's not mentioned if they would have to break the lease or if it is a month-to-month.

Or maybe they can work on rehoming them.

As for them being out of town a lot, there are pet-sitting services where they could take the cats to that person. But it's not cheap. Minimum $20/day, but usually more like $30-$40/day. I don't know what their finances are, but that can get spendy quick and it would all be on his dime because they're his cats. She should look up the prices for their area and make an estimate of how much he'll be shelling out each year.

It's all shitty options. I get it. But as much as we love our furry friends, sometimes you can't keep them anymore.

My sad example of that. We previously had tenants in our next door unit. They had moved down from WY with their two dogs.

Little did we know, they were alcoholics. And boy did they fall down that rabbit hole in a place like New Orleans where bars can serve liquor 24/7. They held on for about 18 months, but both ended up losing their jobs. The guy was the worst. He was too drunk to make it to work a lot. I'm surprised they even kept him as long as they did.

But the day came when they told us they couldn't pay the rent and were moving back to WY. Both of their big SUVs had been repossessed. So their buddy was driving down from WY to pick them up (good friend!). But he only had a typical passenger car. No room for hardly any of their belongings or their dogs.

They called a shelter to come pick the dogs up. I felt so bad for the dogs. I doubt they were adopted. One of them was an old chihuahua with medical problems. Neither dog was "charming". They weren't mean, but they were stoic and didn't care if people were around.

levioosa · August 2023

uhhh LW are you even hearing yourself? Why do you want to stay with this man?

”This is part of a larger problem in our relationship, wherein I don’t really feel like a person to him. I feel that he sees me as something he can manipulate and control to his own ends, rather than someone whose feelings and needs deserve to be respected regardless of whether he agrees with them or not.”

This is not about the cats.

Re: This is not about the cats.

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