Dear Prudence,
I am 37 years old, and sometimes, I feel that in my career and intellectual development I fall 10-15 years behind. I never had a stable job. Nor have I experienced an adventurous change of career where I struggled but then achieved success. I rarely ever had solid savings, and when I did, they were used up during my periods of unemployment or hardship. I often hear that in your late-thirties, you are supposed to be more financially stable, and it makes me feel like such a loser. Of course, I can find excuses. I grew up in Russia in the political and economic turmoil of the ‘90s, in the family with a working-class father and a university lecturer mother. At 13, I was hit by an extreme eating disorder that affected me physically, significantly delayed my puberty and caused health problems for years to come, so I had to spend a lot of money on visiting private clinics. In the late 2008, my mother and I moved to a country in East/Central Europe: She for personal reasons, and I for starting a grad school in the U.S.-accredited university. What a stupidity to choose an academic career in humanities with such a modest social background! I was writing a PhD while struggling to fix my health issues and my social anxiety. At 30 I moved to a Scandinavian country for a postdoc that gave me only a temporary economic relief, and I have been on temporary academic contracts ever since.
At 34, in the same Scandinavian country, I started my first relationship ever—because earlier I considered myself to ugly, poor, and stupid for dating—and now I am starting a family of my own. I am happy in my relationship, I have a great psychotherapist, I am over many anxieties that ruined my 20s. But I am still on a temporary academic contract. I consider leaving academia after it ends, but starting a new career in a foreign country is a challenge. Seeing what people of my age have achieved career-wise, I hit myself in the head for my poor choices. Many people with a working-class background managed to succeed and reach prosperity, but I failed. My partner, whose social background is similar to mine, is sad about my habit of comparing myself with others, and I reproach myself additionally for bringing him down. Am I broken? Am I a weakling who can only whine and not organize her life even while in psychotherapy? Who I am and will I ever be more “normal”? Many thanks for your attention!
—Tired of Considering Myself a Loser