Keep the stuff safe for her and don't try to give it to anyone else.

mrsconn23 · September 2023

Dear Prudence,

“Jenny” is the 10-year-old best friend of my daughter. She lost her mom last year and had a rough time of it. She spends a lot of time with my family and comes on our trips. Her father has started to date “Marge,” who is a single mother with two younger kids. When we ever drop Jenny off and Marge is there with her kids, the kids start demanding Jenny give them the little treats or souvenirs she got with us. Marge then lectures Jenny that she needs to “share” and complains if Jenny got something like a t-shirt rather than toys for her kids. It is bizarre. Marge knows that we are giving Jenny money out of our own pockets because her father can’t afford much. Worse, Jenny recently came to me crying that the kids stole and then lost several stuffed animals that her mother gave her and Marge tried to punish her instead. I went to Jenny’s father and he completely dismissed it. All families have growing pains and it will get better for Jenny when he and Marge get married.

At this point, I told Jenny to bring anything of her mom’s to my house and we will keep it safe. The only thing is Jenny brought over some very expensive stuff including her mom’s engagement ring. My husband and I are uncomfortable with keeping them but we don’t want to betray Jenny’s trust. We thought about mailing it all to her maternal grandma but that relationship is frosty between her and Jenny’s dad. What should we do here?

—Ring Is the Thing

charlotte989875 · September 2023

You don’t know that things will get better when they get married. You should keep it safe, but maybe let the grandmother know what Jenny is sharing and that she wanted you to keep the ring (and anything else she brings).

I’d try not to rock the boat too much with the Dad; he could stop Jenny from spending time with you all and that would be worse for her. I’d talk to the grandparents and see where that goes.

banana468 · September 2023

charlotte989875 said:

You don’t know that things will get better when they get married. You should keep it safe, but maybe let the grandmother know what Jenny is sharing and that she wanted you to keep the ring (and anything else she brings).

I’d try not to rock the boat too much with the Dad; he could stop Jenny from spending time with you all and that would be worse for her. I’d talk to the grandparents and see where that goes.

I agree with talking to the grandparents and at this age, consider a school counselor. Jenny may benefit from a neutral 3rd party telling her father that he's a jackass.

levioosa · September 2023

Man I want to slap both Jenny’s dad and Marge.

VarunaTT · September 2023

I really don't know what I'd do. I'd want to keep it all for Jenny and keep her trust, but I'd be worried about dad going looking for that engagement ring and Jenny being put into a position I wouldn't want any 10 year old to be in, but especially one in this situation.

I wish I knew more about why it was frosty with maternal grandmother and Jenny's dad. B/c if it was frosty b/c of Marge, hell yeah I'd tell maternal grandmother. But there's a lot of reasons it could be that makes me not want to share.

climbingsingle · September 2023

Damn, this poor kid.

I'd probably keep the ring in a safe place to ensure that nothing happened to it.

mrsconn23 · September 2023

I'd be worried about going to the MIL unless I could fully trust her to keep my counsel for the sake of Jenny and not use it as ammo against dad (and Marge). Since the girls are classmates and go to the same school (or so it seems), I'd feel far better about involving the school counselor as another advocate for Jenny. There are ways for LW to do so without raising red flags with dad (like the counselor could have lunch once a week with LW's daughter and she could 'bring a friend' who happens to be Jenny every week).

If LW feels fairly confident Jenny nor their family are going anywhere any time soon, I say hold on to the keepsake items for Jenny until she's into her early to mid-teens and then see if you can transition them back to her care or help her figure out how to secure them in her possession (like help her get a safety deposit box?).

If it becomes an issue because of a move or dad starts poking around, then I think LW should help Jenny get the items back into her possession at that time and know that if something happens to them, you did your best at the time to help her.

This little girl is in an awful situation and sees you as a trusted adult. You know what's going on is fucked up and terrible. You seem to want to help her. I get there's a lot of grief and other things going on with her dad, but that's neither here nor there IMO. His feelings really don't matter until they do.

MyNameIsNot · September 2023

charlotte989875 said:

You don’t know that things will get better when they get married. You should keep it safe, but maybe let the grandmother know what Jenny is sharing and that she wanted you to keep the ring (and anything else she brings).

I’d try not to rock the boat too much with the Dad; he could stop Jenny from spending time with you all and that would be worse for her. I’d talk to the grandparents and see where that goes.

I was interpreting the line "All families have growing pains and it will get better for Jenny when he and Marge get married." as what dad said when he completely dismissed it rather than LW thinking it was actually going to get better.

Anyway, I'm thinking buy a small safe and let Jenny store it at my house or get her a safety deposit box. I would not even be a little surprised if these kids stole the ring, and both dad and Marge have shown that they are going to do 0 to prevent it.

short+sassy · September 2023

I know Jenny is a child, but I would lightly talk to her about some of these things. For example, ask if it is okay to speak to her maternal grandmother.

Or ask Jenny if it is okay to put the ring and anything else small and valuable into a bank safety deposit box. Of course, giving her a full explanation of what those are and how they work. If she's okay with that, show her where in the house the key is kept.

I'm even such a dorky worry wart about all the wild things that can happen in life, I'd also want a notarized letter or something like that explaining that the ring is not part of my or my husband's estate. That it belongs to Jenny (last name) and should be returned to her in the event of our death.

I love that the LW and her husband have opened their hearts and home to Jenny. This kind of kindness and being trusted adults for her could very well be the difference in Jenny's current and future well-being. Even this letter is all about how to best protect her valuables.

-------------------------------

Speaking of safety deposit boxes and a warning to you all. Those can be one of the toughest items to get access to, in the event of the signatory's death. It can also take months and that's if everything goes smoothly settling the estate. All of this is especially unfortunate because people often keep their wills in their safety deposit box.

My mom worked at a major bank for 25+ years. She added my sister and I as signatories for her safety deposit box when we became adults, for this very reason.

Keep the stuff safe for her and don't try to give it to anyone else.

Re: Keep the stuff safe for her and don't try to give it to anyone else.

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