It's likely going to be your GF or the cat.

mrsconn23 · September 2023

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I adopted a kitten. She had never had a pet before, not even a fish, but was excited about the idea—we’ve cared for friends’ dogs in our own home for days at a time and cared for cats (in their own homes) as well. These were all positive experiences for her, and although the kitten was my idea, she was 100 percent on board—the only condition being that the cat wouldn’t sleep with us at night, which I agreed to. This kitten is wonderful—she doesn’t cry when shut out at bedtime, she uses the litter box consistently, and she loves cuddles. But, in the end, she IS a kitten—if she needs to expel energy, her way of asking to play is to bite, jump, and meow until presented with a toy. She destroys toilet paper and occasionally spills things. Normal kitten behavior, which my girlfriend knew about and said she was ready for.

However, it’s been a few weeks, and she (girlfriend) is tense in our home. She’ll close herself in the bedroom frequently to avoid the cat. I feel awful for her, stressed in her home and angry with herself for not adjusting the way she hoped; I feel awful about myself for having put her in this position; I feel awful in general because since I spend more time with the cat, I am the cuddles-and-trust owner while my girlfriend tends to get the short end of the stick. I know that unless she spends more time with the kitten, she won’t ever relax, but I also know that in the short term, it will make her even more tense. How can I support her?

—Tired of the Tension

banana468 · September 2023

Talk to your GF. She may need her space in the same way that I had to hand newborns off to DH because I was tapped out. See what she's thinking so you can understand how she's feeling.

And also, see if the additional messes are things that also fall in your GF's lap. Offer to take more of the burden if the workload of kitty is on the GF and you reap the benefits of more cuddles.

MyNameIsNot · September 2023

Rehome the girlfriend.

Seriously, it doesn't sound like the girlfriend is ready to manage a cat acting like... a cat. I suppose she just didn't really think through the reality of what pet ownership would be before jumping into it, so maybe it's time to have a real conversation about whether or not she's up for this. In all honesty, if she can't do it, it's better for the cat if you rehome now while she's still an easily adopted kitten versus waiting until she's older and readjusting will be more traumatic for her.

short+sassy · September 2023

MyNameIsNot said:

Rehome the girlfriend.

Seriously, it doesn't sound like the girlfriend is ready to manage a cat acting like... a cat. I suppose she just didn't really think through the reality of what pet ownership would be before jumping into it, so maybe it's time to have a real conversation about whether or not she's up for this. In all honesty, if she can't do it, it's better for the cat if you rehome now while she's still an easily adopted kitten versus waiting until she's older and readjusting will be more traumatic for her.

I don't agree with rehoming the g/f. I take pet ownership very seriously, but would never choose a new pet that isn't working out over my live-in SO. I don't think she is a bad person. It sounds like she gave a lot of thought to having a cat and was happy about it. But unfortunately, has now found out she doesn't like the reality of it.

He should talk to her about her feelings on it. Talk to her about strategies they can use to make her more comfortable, as well as things they can do to curb some of the negative aspects of this kitten. For example, it's not okay the cat is biting. They need to channel their inner Jackson Galaxy and research ways to stop that behavior, while the cat is still young and learning.

That is great advice they need to figure what they are going to do ASAP. The kitten deserves a good home with a loving family and, if it's not going to be their's, then they need to give this kitten it's best chance to find that.

I remember when my H and I adopted our first cat (Nip), we went into it knowing there was a chance we wouldn't be able to keep her. We even told the pound that. I had mild allergies to cats as a child, but only if I petted them. My plan was to only pet her sporadically. But that immediately went out the window when there is an utterly adorable 4-month old kitten roaming the house.

On the allergy side of things, it turned out to be a better outcome than I ever expected. Initially, my allergy was even milder than before. My eyes would be slightly irritated, but the irritation stopped within 15 minutes of my not petting her and washing my hands. But after two weeks, even that slight irritation stopped! And I haven't had an allergic reaction to any cat since then.

Fun cat allergy fact. Most people with cat allergies aren't allergic to their fur. They're allergic to proteins in the cat's saliva. Which of course, gets all over their fur when they clean themselves.

VarunaTT · September 2023

I have some sympathy for the GF right now, b/c though Harley and I have obviously taken to each other and her behavior has been 85% fine, that 15% has been stressful AF. I admit to having had, at least twice now, thoughts of WTF have I done and maybe I wasn't ready for this. And I've had both dogs and cats my entire life except the last 6 years and honestly feel like a newbie at all of it. I keep finding new and better ways to help both of us (my latest buy was a Litter Genie and it's magick).

But also, a new pet is generally stressful. A new young pet involves another layer of stress. I feel like they really need to sit down and talk about what it is that's stressful, how to manage it for both of them, tools that they need for management (are there enough toys, buy one of Jackson Galaxy's books to help understand cat psychology, how are they bonding, how are they sharing chores) and a timeline to answer the question: is this working?

charlotte989875 · September 2023

Let her relax and work it out. A new pet is stressful especially if shes doing some or all of the clean up of the messes or any of her things are getting destroyed. Give her some time alone.

I wonder if some of the GFs tension is LW’s insistence that she spend more time with the cat.

It's likely going to be your GF or the cat.

Re: It's likely going to be your GF or the cat.

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