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Wedding Woes

Keep saying 'no'.

Dear Prudence,

My sister is going into her hard-party post-divorce phase and thinks nothing of dumping her three kids on family and disappearing for hours on end. She will ignore her phone and is always late picking them up. One weekend our parents were out of town, so my sister decided to pull her disappearing act on me. The baby was sick so she begged me to watch them for the afternoon. I relented and warned her that I had to get up very early for a work trip. By 10 p.m. I was fed up and called my ex brother-in-law to come pick up the kids and told him I didn’t know where my sister was. All hell broke out after that. My sister is furious with me and told me that I want to ruin her life because her ex is going to use this against her. I told her to stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine. What kind of mom goes out and party when they have a sick kid at home? I wasn’t about to miss work and potentially lose my job because she wants to bar crawl and pick up randos.

Now my other sister and I refuse to babysit at all, which leaves our parents in the lurch for all the childcare. So they are very unhappy and pressuring me to relent and apologize because my sister is suffering stress as a single mom. I say this is what she signed up for, and if she is going to abuse the village, she loses the village. What do I do from here?

—No More

Re: Keep saying 'no'.

  • Your sister made her bed.  She has to lie in it.  

  • Tell your parents that you are not responsible for your sister's responsibilities and you saying no does not make you the bad guy.  

    Tell them that if watching the grandkids is too much they can pick which parent of the kids that is likely to be most receptive to their stress load. 
  • I like that. “Abuse the village, lose the village.” Sister was fortunate enough to have two sisters and parents to help out with child care. No one is asking you to sit at home alone 24/7 with the children as a single mom. But you can’t just dump them every weekend (especially a sick child!?) so you can go get your rocks off and party. You’re still a parent. 


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  • mrsconn23 said:
    'My sister is furious with me and told me that I want to ruin her life because her ex is going to use this against her.'--AS HE SHOULD since your sister is being a neglectful parent.   She dropped off a sick baby and disappeared.  What. The. Hell?!  

    And I'd be really horked off at my parents for enabling this shit and trying to shame or guilt me into an apology she doesn't deserve.  She should be thanking the family for not calling CPS on her or siding with the ex-H on custody. 

    Not to mention, if the kids are old enough to talk Dad is going to get wind that "Mom goes out on Sunday and comes home Tuesday and we stay with Grandma and Grampa.  Mom smells like beer and regret when she comes to pick us up."

    I'm not sure what the grandparents' long-game is here but at some point the kids will tell their father where they are during the week.

    Loving someone does not mean enabling them.  If anything that's not helping at all. 
  • Except for the hard partying part, I was totally thinking of you, @ei34!

    Yes, LW's sister.  Actions have consequences.  What did she expect the LW to do?  The boundaries were set that the LW could only watch the children for the afternoon.  The LW didn't mention this, but I assume they tried to contact the sister multiple times and were ignored.

    And it's way better to contact the ex-BIL than the police for child abandonment.  Just sayin'.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @short+sassy lol if the sister’s exH is anything like mine I’d understand the need to drink yourself into a coma, or whatever she’s doing. (Not that I party...I didn't realize there was a hard party phase post-divorce.)

    My parents and sisters (and brother) do help me out, but it's reciprocal in that I help them too.  It was how we were raised though, aunts and uncles helped my parents and they'd also take turns with our cousins, more so when someone was in a rough patch, but I know every family is different.  LW has every right to be frustrated, though the letter could've possibly been written in a less judgy tone.  
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