Are you sure you don't mean 13?

Casadena · October 2023

Dear Prudence,

Am I overreacting that my entire family forgot my milestone birthday on my cousin’s wedding day? I turned 30 this year. I’m a big fan of celebrating my birthday. At my 29th birthday, people started talking about the last year of my 20s, and I told them I had planned to do a big year of events all leading up to a huge party on my 30th birthday and a trip the week after. I thought it was fortuitous that my birthday was on a Saturday this year, so I planned on going big. One of my cousins asked about my birthday plans at Christmas and I told everybody about them. Well, on New Year’s Eve, my cousin got engaged. They decided they wanted to get married by the end of the year and guess what date they picked? My birthday.

Immediately, her immediate family started getting defensive about it. When we had a family gathering and the relatively short planning time was mentioned until the wedding date, my aunt turned to me and said, “I guess you’re just going to have to cancel your party.” I didn’t say anything. My cousin and her family continued to make snide remarks. Meanwhile, I didn’t cancel my party. The wedding was set to be earlier in the day and dinner started at 6 p.m., so I decided to go out with my friends and they agreed to pick me up at 8:30. I accepted it and had a nice spa day the morning before the wedding.

So I was really upset when my mother was the only one who said happy birthday to me on the day of the wedding. I had never made a fuss about the date of the wedding so it’s not like they had anything to worry about with me causing a scene. So, 8:30 rolls around. We have gone through all the scheduled activities and dancing was under way. I didn’t think anybody would notice me leaving, but my aunt did and she confronted me, telling me it was rude to leave so early. I’d had enough of her comments at that point and I told her she had spent months being rude to me about my birthday and that I was going to my party. She tried to say something but I walked away. I had a great time with my friends and don’t regret leaving the wedding. The next day, I left on a trip out of the country and didn’t have access to my phone all day. I came back to a barrage of messages saying how nasty I was to my cousin. As it turns out, she didn’t even notice I was gone! The thing is, even my mom thinks I went too far, so now I’m questioning whether I was wrong. What do you think?

—Birthday Brat

CharmedPam · October 2023

I think LW is fine. You did both events in one day and didn’t make a fuss about it (outside of her head). She probably could have left the “went out with my friends” part” and made it “leaving early to get up early for my big trip” instead, but it is what it is

charlotte989875 · October 2023

I think everyone is a little bit wrong here. They picked the date they want but it could have come with a “I’m sorry it’s on your birthday, we hope you can still come” and zero comments about canceling the party. I don’t have a sense of the “snide remarks” cousin/ family made, but they should have set the date and left it at that.

You also could have moved your party to Friday or the week before/after. Is it the same? No. But would it have avoided all this? Probably. Wedding trumps birthday in my mind, even a “milestone” one. You didn’t need to add the snarky comment to your aunt about her comments about your birthday- that’s a little much. You’re an adult, you made your choice, you didn’t need to be rude about it either.

short+sassy · October 2023

I find it ridiculous when an adult makes such a big deal about a milestone birthday that they have a "year of events" in celebration. But fine if that's what the LW wants to do, it's not harming anyone.

I also think they are being ridiculous that (said in a whiny tone) "nobody wished me happy birthday, except my mom". Would it have been nice? Of course. But this is a once in a lifetime day for your cousin, so people aren't going to be thinking about your birthday. Do they even usually? Because my mom and H are the only ones who wish me happy birthday every year also.

But the people being the most ridiculous are the LW's family. The LW already told the cousin that was not a good day for them. The cousin chose that day anyway. Great, nothing wrong with that. The LW was able to attend the ceremony. And 2.5 hours!!! Of the reception. They did nothing wrong by jetting out for their own party that everyone else was already well aware of.

FWIW, one of the couples at my wedding left a little early for their daughter's birthday party. I was not bothered even one iota. I appreciated them coming and thanked them. I also told them to tell their daughter "hi and happy birthday" from me.

banana468 · October 2023

I think LW is OK to leave the wedding but my smell test says that they were pretty petulant.

I get it - the wedding was taking the person's 30th birthday party but I guess I just don't see family making a huge fuss of birthdays once you're a grown up so a lot of this makes me wonder what kind of entitlement the LW expected.

I need more back story. Was this a deliberate attempt to hijack the birthday? Or was this the date that worked at the time they wanted? I'll be honest that I think grown adults put the birthday aside and celebrate at another time when a big event like a wedding is involved but also think the family could have uttered a HBD at some point. I think the LW is making a much bigger deal out of this.

levioosa · October 2023

I’m with banana. The way LW is acting I’m pretty sure she expected a cake with flaming candles as all the guests sang her happy birthday at her cousin’s wedding. I need to know more about the dynamic between her and her cousin but honestly she just sounds immature.

ei34 · October 2023

I have a milestone birthday in June, after reading this I think I'm behind on my year of events leading up!
Agree with LW and the aunt both could've done better. Side eye at the aunt for watching the door like a hawk. Plenty of family, including the kids and me, left my cousin's Thursday wedding last month early. No one has to stay the whole time, for any reason.

banana468 · October 2023

It makes me wonder what the dynamic is of the wedding if someone is going to call people out for leaving early. Maybe MOB-zilla? Still, there seems to be a lot of "what about me" going around that makes this family seem like too much.

Laughing at the milestone birthdays. I hit 40 two weeks into lockdown. DH turned 40 in early Feb and I threw him a big party. At the end of March he sort of turned and said...."So I don't think I can really get friends together for a party"

Also, my amusement: he gave me a beautiful ring for my 40th - an eternity band. A month later I checked my CC bill and saw a huge bill from Costco. DH had put my CC into Costco because they only take Visa and I had the better card. Bought the gift from there and....I guess I bought myself my gift! It comes up a s nice tease every now and then and since our finances are mostly combined I do not see it as an issue whatsoever other than the lack of surprise.

VarunaTT · October 2023

Eh, I think if you want to make a big deal of your birthday and you have the means to do it, go ahead. Even with a grain of salt though, it sounds to me like MOB was on the defensive for some reason about this. Cousin didn't notice she left, so it seems like a whole lot of other people are having feelings about things that aren't any of their business to be having (and that's probably a family dynamic), so as long as LW and her cousin are fine, I'd let it alone.

MyNameIsNot · October 2023

This feels like a family full of drama llamas acting creating drama.

Sometimes my family annoys me, but this makes me really thankful for them.

short+sassy · October 2023

ei34 said:

I have a milestone birthday in June, after reading this I think I'm behind on my year of events leading up!
Agree with LW and the aunt both could've done better. Side eye at the aunt for watching the door like a hawk. Plenty of family, including the kids and me, left my cousin's Thursday wedding last month early. No one has to stay the whole time, for any reason.

GD it!!!

I forgot I'm having a milestone birthday next month. Turning 50. I've been trying to forget it all year instead of planning upcoming events, lol.

My H and I don't usually do anything for our birthdays, other than dinner. It does need to be an EXTRA special and fancy dinner this year.

CharmedPam · October 2023

What’s milestone birthday mean to you?
21,30,40,50,60,70,80 etc or
21,30,35,40,45,50,55,60,65,70,75,80 etc?

I used to think of the big ones every 5 years. Not that I do ANYthing for my 00’s or 5’s anyway, but we should also acknowledge those half decades:)

levioosa · October 2023

I see the decades as big and the half decades as mini milestones. H has his “lucky number” coming up soon and is counting two years in a row as huge mile stone birthdays. I said sir, we go to Europe for one of those but we’re too poor to do back to back milestone trips. Lol.

short+sassy · October 2023

I've always seen the decades as being milestone birthdays.

banana468 · October 2023

short+sassy said:

I've always seen the decades as being milestone birthdays.

Same here. Maybe a bone to throw when you hit over 70 and then every 5 years is a milestone?

That said, I may throw some hints to DH for my 45th because I turned 40 in April of 2020 but I'm embracing that I got screwed over by the pandemic.

ILoveBeachMusic · October 2023

I turned 60 in 2021 so was screwed over by the pandemic too - everyone was still very much distancing and masking here.

Are you sure you don't mean 13?

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