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Therapy for sure, other than that i'm blank

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

My parent has come out late in life as a transgender woman. She and my mom are in the process of a divorce as a result. I’ve been doing some practical help: My mom picked a great attorney herself and I recommended therapy and worked with her to find financial resources since she married young and has very little work history at 65. I also want to support my other parent. I know that this world is an unfriendly place for trans women, and that the past was even worse, but I’m worried I don’t have enough sympathy. My parent was an intense homophobe my whole life, and truly nasty in a deeply personalized and vitriolic way when I came out as gay in the 2010s. I kept the peace for the sake of our family afterwards, but haven’t been close to her for a long time, if ever.

Now, she’s reaching out asking for resources and complaining about medical transphobia, and I can’t respond with the generosity or compassion I wish I could. She seems to expect that her identity will bring us close and that I can help her through things, but I’m inclined to send her links for senior trans support groups online and keep my distance. If I see her in any of my queer spaces, I will absolutely be running far away, but I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. What’s the most gracious way for me to handle this? My brothers are straight and processing things in totally different ways, so I don’t think that’s my team here. We live about an hour apart, so I know our lives will have some overlap.

—Trying to Be Kind

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Re: Therapy for sure, other than that i'm blank

  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "I don't think I'm the person to help you through this. Here are X & Y support groups which hopefully can help."
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think LW can be honest but I would also immediately suggest therapy.  Was the homophobia a very poorly disguised way to compensate?    It doesn't excuse the behavior but it seems like it wouldn't be a surprise from a generation that did not have the acceptance and skill set that comes with it. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think the LW should do anything differently.  They aren't close with this parent for good reason and this person knows that.  They are supporting their father by sending her helpful links.  They do not have an obligation to do more than what they are comfortable with.  

    If this parent ever says something to them about wanting more help or to be closer, then that would be the opportunity for the LW to say something if they wish.  And explain why they aren't comfortable having a closer relationship.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "I can't be this person for you. It's not because you're trans, it's because you're an asshole." 

    Ok, omit the second sentence. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2023
    Your parent eventually realizing she was trans does not erase the fact that she was cruel to you when you came out as gay, nor does it mean you have to forgive her for that, especially if she hasn't apologized or taken responsibility. 

    I think it's perfectly okay to keep your distance and not be actively supportive as long as you aren't denying your parent's true gender identity or condemning her for it - which it sounds like you aren't doing at all. You're allowed to continue looking out for yourself regardless of what a parent is going through.
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    @flantastic has it

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Internalized homophobia is a very real, very cruel, very ugly thing for everyone involved.  I'm not saying LW has to forgive or befriend their parent, but I think some therapy to be able to....deal with these complicated emotions would be very necessary.

    As far as resources, LW sounds like they're cis, so they can use that as an out.  "I don't really know any resources for you being cis, here is the LGBTQ center (or other options), I'd start asking them."  People kind of assume that queer identities know everything for everyone, but we really don't.  


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