Dear Prudence,
My mother is a homophobe. I am an early 30s gay man who, over recent years, has tried to create boundaries with my mother. I’ve called out her homophobic statements (she once implied I must have given my boss a blowjob for a promotion), and I’ve articulated how awful her MAGA beliefs are—including, following January 6th, cutting off communication with her. Since January 6th, we’ve spoken twice. Once, in mid-2021, I told her to stop mailing me small gifts saying that she was “thinking of” me. And once, in late-2021, I called her following the sudden death of her sibling, my aunt—to convey how sorry I was for her loss. Throughout this period, I have laid out that the only way we can have a relationship again is if she apologizes for things she’s said and works to change moving forward.
In spite of this, my mother keeps trying to initiate contact through crying voicemails and emotionally manipulative texts, saying she misses me but never apologizing or addressing the root cause of our issues. (I’ve since silenced her calls/muted her texts.) I know she asks friends and family in my circle for updates on my life and then, in turn, acts to others like she and I have a relationship.
Prudie, I want to block her number. I want to unfriend her on social media. I want to auto-delete her emails. Honestly, at this point, I don’t think I’d believe her if she apologized and claimed a change of heart. Because, let’s be real, change isn’t coming. If (okay, when!) I fully cut her off, here are my questions: With our extended family or family friends, what do I say about my mother? Do I tell them the unvarnished truth—from physical abuse as a child to emotional abuse as an adult—and ask them not to share details about my life with her? Is a Facebook post too dramatic? Or do I just quietly end things and let her fabricate whatever relationship she wants when she’s speaking to her friends? I guess I also want to ask, what do I owe to my mother?
—How Many Chances Are Too Many Chances?