Dear Prudence,
I see advice here a lot about how “some people are better loved only from a distance” and my question is … how do I do this? I (42F) am my parents’ only child. My parents are smart, funny people who love me a lot, but they were both raised in horribly abusive homes, and they only partially succeeded in breaking that cycle in raising me. I have intentionally lived 500 miles away from them since I left home at 18, and my relationship with them has not grown closer or easier over the years. I see them once a year at most, but those visits are incredibly stressful for me, and my mom especially spends a large part of them criticizing my parenting and trying to make my kids (ages 9 and 11) feel guilty about how little she sees them. Attempts to draw boundaries with her do not go well and usually end with her snapping at me and me in tears.
Even though I have only minimal contact with them right now (sporadic emails, the once a year or so visits), I would like even less, and I guess I am looking for a script for how to do this.
Despite extensive therapy, I am still scarred from my upbringing, and while I know I don’t owe the people who hurt me a relationship, I still feel a lot of guilt about the whole scene, and I know my parents will be hurt, confused, and defensive about any kind of attempt I make at an explanation of why I need more distance. I am so old but my parents still make me feel like a hurt child sometimes (even though they can also be generous and nice in other ways) and I feel lost and small about what my obligation to them is vs. what my obligation to myself is.
—Feels Like a Toddler, Needs Some Adult Words