Dear Prudence,
My stepchildren are 10 and 9. We have been married four years and together five. I have always struggled with the boundaries my husband’s ex imposes. She has always been passively hostile towards me and now she is actively hostile. I am not allowed to breathe an opinion about my stepkids, but damn I need to provide the world to them. She has been offended that my parents have only ever taken their other grandchildren to Disney and not my stepkids (ignoring that she threatened to take us to court if we took the kids out of state). I have a home office so my stepkids share a room (I telecommute and they share a room at their mom’s). If I spend money on the kids, I am spoiling them and trying to buy their affection and if I don’t, I am just a selfish, self-centered bitch. My husband has done his best to deal with his ex, but toxicity towards me negatively affects everyone, especially the kids. So I have stepped back and am hands off. My husband does the picking up, dropping off, the feeding, and the parenting. I am there to say hello to the kids and ask how their day went.
That worked until now. My husband was out of town and it wasn’t our weekend. His ex called me to say she had a work emergency and she couldn’t leave the kids sick alone at home. I needed to come get the kids. I told her that didn’t work for me and that she needed to arrange other childcare. We had to abide by the custody agreement. She started to froth at the mouth so I hung up. I can’t tell the number of times she has parroted those exact lines at my husband and me if we wanted to switch a weekend or holiday. Now she is on a warpath and my husband is just letting her. He refuses to defend me or explain what happened to the kids or do anything but scold me for setting his ex off. I am just so sick of this situation. And yes, we have been in family counseling off and on since we got married. His ex refuses to attend even for the kids. What do I do now?
—No Two Ways About It