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Have you asked her, without qualification or judgement, what's going on and how you can help?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Me and my younger sister, Lauren, have been close our whole lives (me F31, her F28). She met her husband, Brian, her freshman year of college, and they got married seven years later. Given how close we are, I also spent a lot of time with Brian, and the three of us became a bit of a trio. We would travel together, go to events together, have game nights and dinners, etc. Brian was family to me for a decade.

Earlier this year, Lauren very suddenly moved out of their home and asked for a divorce. It shocked my whole family. Lauren has offered shifting reasoning behind her decision, and they were off and on for a while. The whole thing was very confusing for all of us, and we struggled to know how to navigate it. She held a lot of anger that spilled into her interactions with me and my parents, and I’m sad to say we haven’t been as close because of it. I hate that. I know she needs support and I have tried to be there for her, but I don’t seem to be able to get it right.

From the beginning she said “I don’t expect anyone to cut him off, I know he’s a good person,” etc. But I found that was easier to say than to practice … I have maintained a friendship with Brian, albeit of a much different shape than before and naturally not as close, and Lauren has not been as cool with it as her words would have suggested. Now, she’s dating someone new, and I have to admit it has been hard for me to adjust to. I loved the way my family was and I mourn it. And I know it’s Lauren’s life and Lauren’s decision and I need to be able to move on, but I’m struggling. Do you have any guidance to offer? I feel both like I’m being a bad sister, and also heartbroken at the sudden and drastic shift in two relationships I held very dear.

—Sad Sister

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Re: Have you asked her, without qualification or judgement, what's going on and how you can help?

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Has she elaborated at all in what happened?  It seems odd to not ask about the elephant in the room. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Have you actually asked her what happened? I agree this seems odd if you’re as close as you say you are. 

    Ask her what happened. Listened to what she tells you, without judgment. It might be hard for her to talk about, especially since she knows how close you all were with him. If she’s not ready to talk, let her know you’re there when she is. 

    You can be sad you no longer have a relationship with him, and that the family has changed, but try not to center your feelings here. Lauren is the one going through the divorce and no matter why, she’s closer to that so her feelings about it are the more important ones. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sounds like you're a lot better at seeing what you want to see instead of what is happening. 

    Leave the husband alone and be kind to your sister. I wouldn't ask her for more details. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2023
    I feel for Lauren, b/c most of the people in my life were absolutely floored when I told them I was getting a divorce.  I basically started telling people, "I was very good at masking what was happening at home".  I also didn't respond when anyone asked me what happened, including my mother.  I was afraid of being belittled, of being told I hadn't tried hard enough...I was afraid of a lot, including being alone all of a sudden, and I didn't need the additional burden of any one's else's feelings.  And when people ask what happened, there isn't always a defining event.  "It was a slow degrading of self over a decade; we just weren't good together anymore; the relationship reached it's natural end" isn't what people want to hear.  They usually want drama.  

    I think Lauren should've been honest.  I was, and while I had people who thought I was being a b!tch about it, my feeling were mine and people had the ability to choose.  I said, "I don't want to be friends with exH and I don't want to hear about him, period.  If you want to be friend with him, never mention him or it in my presence, or I will no longer be friends with you."  I was desperate to clear my circle of anything he had touched...I even thought about moving to another city, but stayed for my parents.  I still don't regret that, but there are times I still dream about it.  And I did lose friends over it..though some have come back for various reasons.  I don't hold a grudge, but I don't hand trust back over easily.

    LW has to choose OR she needs to shut her mouth up about Brian around Lauren.  LW is really centering herself in something that is about these 2 people, not LW.  I get that LW has some feels about it, but Lauren isn't the correct one to be sharing it to/with.  Just go get some therapy, LW, and stop expecting Lauren to manage your feelings too.


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