Dear Prudence,
More than a decade ago, my family of six lived in a cramped three-bedroom one-bath house. It was over a century old and had no closets. My husband and I had planned to expand and update the house, but I got pregnant with twins—one with special needs. All the time, money, and energy just drained away, but my family made do. The problem was my 18-year-old niece got kicked out of her home for being gay. She had nowhere to go, so we took her in but had nowhere to put her. We couldn’t cramp another bed in with the twins and having her sleep with our older boys was inappropriate. The living room was not a long-term solution given the lack of privacy and use of the space. We had an odd, long laundry room, but with a private door. We moved out the shelves and set up a camping bed for my niece. It wasn’t ideal but she had her own space and we only entered at predetermined times. She lived with us for four years rent-free until she saved up enough money to find her own place. It wasn’t the greatest of times, but I have always been proud of us all. My husband and I have now managed to add a second bathroom and close off the porch to make a fourth room and a new laundry room.
My niece is engaged and we have met her fiancée a few times. A snowstorm made her stay over a weekend without my niece. I was cooking dinner and talking about all our new home improvements. The fiancée got up abruptly when I mentioned the new laundry room. I pressed her on what was wrong and she exploded on me. She said my family treated my niece like a “dog”, giving her the barest of scraps and expecting her to be grateful. She had to live in the laundry room and had to walk two miles every day rain or shine to work (we only had one working car). I was stunned. My niece made us out to be barely better than her homophobic parents who threw her out. I asked the fiancée what she thought we should have done. The answer: better. She went back to the guest room. The next day, she apologized.
I ended up asking my niece to lunch and asking her if she really thought my husband and I were abusive toward her. Why did her fiancée think so? My niece grew red and told me her fiancée shouldn’t have said anything. I asked if it was true, and she deflected and then defended herself—we put her in the laundry room crying out loud. I asked her what her ideal solution was then: sleeping with the twins, in our bedroom, on the porch, or in a tent in the backyard. Were we cruel to her? Hateful? Homophobic? My niece snapped that she knew she was never a primary priority for me. I told her we kept a roof over her head and food in her belly and never asked a dime from her. I had four young children, one with special needs, and we both worked full-time—maybe a little perspective was needed. She got up, threw a few bills on the table, and left.
Since then, she has not returned my calls but has invited my entire family to the wedding. I haven’t even told my husband about all this. He will be very hurt and very angry over this. My niece has invited her parents as well. They have softened their stance but never admitted doing anything wrong. I am baffled and feel hurt and betrayed. I don’t understand and can’t get why a woman nearing 30 can’t understand we were making do as best we could and loved her so much. I don’t know if I want to attend the wedding. What do I tell people?
—Not the Wicked Aunt