this is the code for the render ad
Wedding Woes

Bea was rude, but you weren't the greatest host either?

Dear Prudence,

So my brother brought his new girlfriend “Bea” to Thanksgiving. For context, Bea was sitting around and playing on her phone while everyone else was working or cooking (we had an issue with the bathroom that required my father and brother to go to the hardware store). I was trying to breastfeed my cranky baby when our dog needed to be taken out. Our yard isn’t fenced and our old boy is a small sweetheart. I asked Bea if she would mind taking him out and around the block to do his business. Bea rolled her eyes, huffed, and took the dog out. When she got back, she snidely told me she did mind, that you don’t treat guests like servants, and then waltzed right into the kitchen. I was stunned and didn’t bring up the conversation to anyone. I did note that Bea felt free to root around in my kitchen to help herself to my containers to take the first pick of the leftovers before anyone else (and hasn’t given them back).

This was only the second time I have met Bea. She obviously doesn’t care about making a good impression, but my brother is crazy about her. He wants to invite her to the family Christmas. At my house. I know people have differing expectations on hosting and being guests, but we live in the South. It isn’t like I asked Bea to go out in a blizzard. How do I handle this?

—Guest Gone

Re: Bea was rude, but you weren't the greatest host either?

  • I don't have a lot of sympathy for Bea here.  

    How about opening your home to Bea because if your brother is crazy about her they could be in for the long haul?  Then on Christmas be heartfelt and talk to her to get to know her.  Thank her profusely for taking out the dog when you were overwhelmed and ask her what you can do to help her be more comfortable in the family.  Do it in front of your brother.

    Let her dig her own grave then.  If she's going to be rude he can witness it and either stand there with his mouth wide open or he can defend her.   This is pretty innocuous second chance. 
  • If this was LW's second time meeting Bea, then it's definitely an 'everyone was wrong' situation. 

    Bea clearly is less than interested in making a good impression, which I find really odd, but it is her choice. 

    But I can't imagine asking someone to walk my dog the first time they are at my home.  I'm curious if LW has a partner or a mom, because those are the people I'd ask first before my sibling's new partner.   

    I think LW should do what @banana468 suggests.  Kill her with praise and kindness, in front of LW's brother, and see what happens.  Also, place the bar in hell for her helping out...don't even ask her to fold a napkin.  If she's still a dick, then I'd tell brother she can kick rocks until she can be a baseline of decent.  
  • I'm bothered that LW asked someone who is basically a stranger to walk their dog.  Maybe if she'd gone with them or something.  I adore dogs and would feel uncomfortable walking a dog I had no knowledge of beyond "he's old".  Plus, I'm assuming she didn't really know the neighborhood either, which is an additional thing to deal with on dog walks.

    I don't think Bea really handled it correctly either, but afterwards, LW was just looking for stuff to be pissed about.

    I like @banana468's suggestion about how to handle it though.  This might be a "everyone got off on the wrong foot" issue.
  • So no one welcomed her, sat with her, chatted with her, invited her to join in the preparations, you just assigned her dog walked? You were rude to a guest. 
  • Bea definitely could have offered to help if things were clearly chaotic - it's pretty normal for everyone to pitch in on a holiday, at least in my family. But you could have also tried harder to include her, even if you'd just given her some mundane task to get her in the kitchen with everyone else. If she refused or was rude about it, then that would have been on her. It would've been better than asking her to walk the dog - not everyone likes dogs, and even people like me who love dogs don't necessarily feel comfortable taking care of a dog they don't know.
    image
  • Focus on listening to understand each other's perspectives, then finding compromise for holidays going forward. With open communication and effort from all sides, you can hopefully get past this bump and develop an improved relationship. The goal is keeping family harmony while also feeling respected in your own home.
  • I would have been a bit side-eying Bea for not offering to help with preparations.  But hardly grounds to cause ill will.

    But the LW was way out of line to ask Bea to walk their dog.  Such a bizarre request to make to someone they barely know.  Bea's response back that she's a guest and shouldn't have to do anything was awful.  However, I'd give a bit of latitude on that considering how inappropriate the dog walking request was.

    The LW needs to wipe the slate clean and try to get to know Bea better at Christmas, instead of holding a grudge.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • The other thing that I think makes me more frustrated for the LW but she's directing it to Bea is the frenzy of the holidays with a kid and broken things in the house and a house guest.

    But the house guest  as a brand new person is likely not going to feel OK to roll up sleeves and jump in and that can be perceived as over stepping - so Bea can be in a lose/lose situation too.

    Hosting with a cranky baby and broken house stuff sucks.  You feel pulled in a million places.  I don't think the LW is bad but I think she needs to reframe what happened. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards