Dear Prudence,
Do I need to invite 13-year-old cousin with special needs to my no-kids wedding?
My fiancé and I are in the early stages of planning a black-tie optional wedding in late fall/early winter 2024. I know my parents graciously want to pay for most of the wedding; however, my fiancé and I are in a position that we are happy to contribute, as we are in our mid-30s and established in our careers and finances. Most of our friends have younger children, and we know they will welcome a kid-free night they can get dressed up for. My mom is very supportive that we want a kid-free wedding, with the exception of my fiancé’s niece who will be a flower girl and then be tucked in for the reception.
I know my mother also wants to keep the guest list pretty exclusive, which aligns with the intimate vibe my fiancé and I are envisioning. I told my mom I was not interested in inviting my 13-year-old special needs cousin “Abby.” My mother was pretty dead set on inviting her, because “she would love it.” I tend to disagree, but since my parents are paying, I am happy to give them a say so, and I have no interest in making any issue with my parents over the planning and execution of this wedding. But my gut is strongly telling me I’m justified to invite or not invite anyone to my wedding! I have no desire to be a bridezilla about this or anything!
Ever since my uncle (Abby’s father) and his ex-wife divorced, he has utilized my parents more like grandparents. Over the years he has developed the habit of visiting my parents with “Abby” and completely detaching from being a parent. He has the mentality that when my parents are around, they are there to completely take over in entertainment, discipline, etc. I know she is a lot to handle, but he only has her half the time, so I know he does have opportunities to recharge. I know this plucks my parents’ nerves, but they also don’t seem bothered enough to re-establish any boundaries. By the time Abby was born, I was 20 and pretty much completely out of my parents’ nest, so I have never had a particularly close bond with her, seeing her on holidays and family gatherings from time to time, but that’s about it.
I just don’t see Abby having fun at a wedding like this, and it seems silly to serve her a plated dinner I know she won’t eat, and I feel like it would fall on my parents and the rest of my mom’s side of the family to entertain her. I’m not sure my mom has really thought about what the day would be like for her, my dad, and the rest of the family who may be inadvertently left to entertain and care for “Abby” and if that’s something they are really okay with.
Is it okay to invite my uncle but not his daughter? If it was someone other than family, it would be a clear no for me! He is not married, engaged, or cohabiting, which is the typical etiquette for plus ones, and even if he was, it would still be a kid-free wedding guest list!
—Not a Bridezilla