Dear Prudence,
I’ve been friends with Julie for almost 20 years. I have always admired her self-conviction, confidence, and ability to know/go after what she wants without being burdened by the thoughts or opinions of others. She has a strong self of sense that I have always wished I could figure out. Julie has always been clear she does not want children and, until six years ago, steered clear of dating men with children. She met Ben at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and had a fling with him that continued once the wedding weekend came to an end. We were all surprised that their relationship continued and blossomed into an engagement because Ben has a son from a previous relationship. Julie said that they were able to make it work because Ben only had his son, Jalen, 50 percent of the time so she and Ben spent a lot of time together when Jalen was with his mom and then when he was with Ben, she was “around” but focused on her work, hobbies, and friends. Over the years, we saw the three of them together a few times and Julie had the role of “dad’s fun girlfriend.” Jalen seemed comfortable and friendly with Julie, much like all of the kids in our friend group are toward her (she doesn’t dislike children, just doesn’t want any).
About six weeks ago, Jalen’s mother passed away unexpectedly after a cardiac event. Shortly after the funeral, Julie broke off her engagement with Ben and moved out. Over brunch recently, she told me that once she found out that Ben wasn’t going to share custody of Jalen with his maternal grandparents, she decided that she couldn’t figure out a way to make it work with Jalen living with Ben full-time and decided to move on. She talked about how things might be different if Ben had been open to boarding school for Jalen or a shared custody arrangement with grandparents but she only signed on for being with someone with 50 percent custody, not 100 percent. I honestly shouldn’t be shocked—this is very on-brand for Julie, and something I probably would’ve admired about her in the past—the courage to know when a situation isn’t going to work and extricating oneself from it is not one that many know how to do.
However, all I can think is that Julie is a callous and selfish person! I know she did the right thing because it is better for Jalen to not grow up with a stepmother who resents his presence but she’s been in his life for six years! She was ready to marry Ben! I can’t wrap my head around the type of person who can just up and leave that matter-of-factly. My husband has become close to Ben the past few years and says Ben was blindsided and although he knew when they started dating she didn’t want kids, thought that she had at least accepted and liked Jalen. I guess the breakup conversation was pretty cold and emotionless and Ben says he’s never really seen that side of her except for when she was on a business call. Julie and I usually do a lot of things together during the holiday season and she has been texting to set up dates for us to get together but I just can’t bring myself to commit. I just don’t want to be around her as she talks like the past six years didn’t happen and she didn’t just break up with her fiancé because he wouldn’t send his kid to boarding school to make life more convenient for her. I hate feeling like this. I don’t have kids of my own so it’s not even like a maternal instinct is coming out. Julie has made decisions in the past that I don’t agree with but none have affected me quite like this. How do I get past this?
—Not Brave, Not Selfish