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Wedding Woes

How did you get to the point of moving in together?

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago and I hate it. I hate what the relationship has become, I hate the nagging role I’ve been forced into, I hate sharing the space with him, and I’ve lost a lot of respect for him in the short period we’ve been cohabitating. The way he manages things around the house and the sense of entitlement he has toward me and what I should take care of for him is childish and insulting. He keeps running out of money between paychecks and expects me to make up the difference. The reason he is running out of money so fast is because he gets takeout for every meal (except for when he eats the food I have bought and cooked myself), and doesn’t seem to understand that he can’t afford the lifestyle he wants.

I drew a line the other night and refused him when he asked to bum more money off me. He threw a temper tantrum about this. I ignored the whole thing, but I’m still angry. He has no appreciation for how much I have already loaned him. He also, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, cleans like a man. It’s pathetic. I want to break up and for him to leave, but I am having trouble pulling the trigger. He makes it as if I am the only thing that stands between him and the street. I know that isn’t true, but I do feel like I committed by signing a lease “with him” ( it is under my name). I know he will put up a fight and accuse me of being abusive and lording my money over him. I know I have to end it but I feel like I can’t. Despite how pathetically childish I find his behavior, I feel uncharacteristically weak about telling him so.

—Not Your Mommy

Re: How did you get to the point of moving in together?

  • Did he suddenly change over night or did you willfully ignore the red flags along the way? Either way this relationship is done and you need to get out. Ask your landlord about how to get out of the lease, or at least remove him. Rip the bandaid off because there’s probably not coming back from this. 
  • How good is this guy in bed that you didn't see any of these signs??
  • Talk to your landlord about how to get him off the lease.  But you might be stuck.  If you're stuck, figure out a way to separate your lives as much as possible, go ahead and break up, and then find a new place when the lease is up.  It's all lovely to say that we care about the other person, but the reality is that you are not responsible for another adult to adult their lives.  So, if he's gonna live on the street or in a car, that must've been what he was doing beforehand or he'll figure something else out.  It's no longer your concern.  It sounds cold, but it's just the truth.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2023
    LW said the lease is under their name, so no issue there. They might have to give notice or even evict him, but that's just the cost of a hard earned lesson. 

    I can't tell if LW ignored the red flags (although needing to put the lease only in LW's name might have been one), but I wouldn't put it past the man child to have hidden a lot of this until he had LW on the hook. It's not uncommon. Either way, LW needs to pull the trigger yesterday. 
  • Oooo, I just read "with him" and didn't see the quotations.

    LW, throw his ass out already.  Give him a date to get his shit out and then change the locks.  

    And yeah, I've watched lots of cis-het men who were perfectly fine living on their own and as soon as they moved in with their GF, turned those women into their mothers and stopped acting like adults.
  • Now I want to know why only she is on the lease!  But at least that makes it easier, assuming she can afford the rent on her own.  I'm wondering if he didn't qualify for it, which might have been a red flag for her also.  Or maybe he didn't want to be on it...also a red flag.  Or if a part of her was worried and wanted to keep the legal part of her living situation separate.

    It sucks.  It's disappointing.  I get all of that.  But the silver lining is she learned sooner rather than later that he isn't the right person for her.  Probably not the right person for many people!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Pack his stuff up while he is gone. Put it by the door. Invite a friend over. And kick him out. Change the locks and block his number. If you feel like helping the homeless volunteer at a shelter. 
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