Is home where you are or where the heart is?

mrsconn23 · December 2023

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I are going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment. They just got a new job across the country (we knew this was a strong possibility several years ago). I’m feeling totally crushed at the idea of leaving our current city: I’m from here originally, and after bopping around the country through my 20s, it’s been incredible to find home here again.

I’m having very strong conflicting feelings of wanting to go with my partner to their new city and wanting to stay here. I’m not quite sure how to resolve them. I’m having a lot of trouble because if I’m picking myself, I think I will stay here and break up with them, but part of me thinks I’d be so stupid to throw away what has been a years-long, fulfilling, and enjoyable relationship with a person I love.

If we move, we’re looking at a minimum of four years (a substantial percentage of my life!) before we can move back, and I know that inertia will make it harder and harder to do so. I’m daunted by four years, but more daunted by how it could just never happen. I’m scared that if I leave now I’ll never be able to come back. In short, I’m not sure what to do about this. Am I out of my mind to end a loving relationship because I don’t want to move with them? Do people do that? Do they regret it?

—Home or Them

charlotte989875 · December 2023

I’m curious what conversations they had when the partner applied for this opportunity. Was the discussion always LW be the one to stay or go? What about long distance? Did the partner consider LW when applying?

If the partner’s expectation is LW either goes with them or they break up I’d question if that relationship is worth leaving a place you live so much. If the partner is open to any possibility why not try long distance and see if that works? Why is it all or nothing.

short+sassy · December 2023

I actually agree with the LW on moving or breaking up. An LDR with a specific end date is one thing. But for it to stretch eternally with a "maybe" they can be in the same place in four years. Nope! I'm out.

With that said, being with the person I love is infinitely more important than where I live. But I'm also not especially picky about the latter. Whereas the LW knows they will only be happy in their hometown.

-----------

Story time about my cousin and her husband (now ex) who tried it. He's Spanish and they met there when she was studying abroad for a semester. When they first got married, she moved to Spain. She loved living there, but hated her job teaching English at a high school. Unfortunately, Spain was in a major economic downturn and UE was high. It was basically that job or nothing. Plus she had a decent grasp of Spanish, but was nowhere near fluent enough for most jobs.

Then she got her dream job in FL. They both moved. He liked Spain better, but didn't mind living in FL. Except he also had job woes. The part of FL they were in just generally has a crappy and low paying job market anyway. And it wasn't doing him any favors that he spoke English well, but wasn't fluent. He found work, but was depressed about the jobs he found and how low-paying they were.

After a couple years he moved back to Spain. But they still loved and adored each other! They were going to make the LDR work, even though there was no end to it. She was working at a university and would go to Spain for the whole summer. It's Europe. So he had gobs of vacation time and would visit her multiple times a year for 2-4 weeks at a time.

But even all of that wasn't enough. The distance and not being with each other on a daily or even weekly basis took it's toll and they divorced.

Is home where you are or where the heart is?

Re: Is home where you are or where the heart is?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards