Stop suggesting and start saying, "Hi, trash needs to go out."

mrsconn23 · January 2024

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I have been together for more than seven years and living together for three. I love him more than anything in this world and we really make a great team. However, no matter how many times I try to suggest he take a more active role in housework, it does not stick. He’s always extremely apologetic for not helping and does tasks when asked—but I’ve tried to stress to him that me asking him to do something over and over (like take out the trash) is exhausting. How do I handle this? He lives in this home too and should take out the trash, unload dishes, and make the bed when he sees they need to be done, not because I am asking him. It makes me so frustrated to come home from the gym in the morning to see I have a house full of chores and that he has yet again jumped straight into work without helping. I know he’s very busy and I don’t want to nag him but, I have a job too and don’t think it is fair I’ve become the house manager. We are getting married next year and I want to know this isn’t going to be the rest of my life.

—Did Not Sign Up For This

banana468 · January 2024

Also start to be clear, "When I see these tasks piling up, it makes me anxious and unsettled. When I ask you to do them and you do not it frustrates me because the impression I get is that you're putting me off or ignoring me."

You may also need to compromise on some things. Do you NEED the bed to be made? Some things may make you feel better but others may be what you need for sanitary and cleanliness.

mrsconn23 · January 2024

My friend L is an every day bed maker and her H, M, is not. DH and do not make our bed ever (we don't even share blankets, so when I change the sheets, the most 'made' the bed is that I fold our blankets neatly at the foot of the bed), so the few times she's complained about the bed not being made, everyone is like "this is a 'you' problem."

banana468 · January 2024

mrsconn23 said:

My friend L is an every day bed maker and her H, M, is not. DH and do not make our bed ever (we don't even share blankets, so when I change the sheets, the most 'made' the bed is that I fold our blankets neatly at the foot of the bed), so the few times she's complained about the bed not being made, everyone is like "this is a 'you' problem."

Right! I used to be an everyday bed maker and once DH was pretty emphatic about how he was never going to be making that effort it wasn't a battle I picked. If we had some kind of first floor bedroom off the kitchen that might be on display I'd consider it for party days but right now, the sheets are pulled back waiting for me to climb in tonight.

STARMOON44 · January 2024

He doesn’t want to change and won’t. Ignoring it is how women wind up married to me man who do nothing.

CharmedPam · January 2024

STARMOON44 said:

He doesn’t want to change and won’t. Ignoring it is how women wind up married to me man who do nothing.

This.
my ex is a slob. Always was. Always will be. No matter what you say or do, it’s not going to change anything. I just had to live with picking up after him. Keep in mind, we never lived together.

As my therapist had said and many many therapy groups I’m in - the brain's frontal lobe, especially the prefrontal cortex, isn't fully mature until around age 25. If he’s over 25, it’s already developed.
(This was in a meme group I’m in, but works for both genders)

short+sassy · January 2024

I don't think it's hopeless...yet.

My H and I had resentment and disagreements years ago about chores. But we talked about it and worked things out.

We mutually agreed that some chores would be solely one person's job. Funny that taking out the trash was mentioned. That has been 100% my H's job since that discussion.

For chores we agreed we were mutually responsible for, we set up a chore task list and put it on the fridge. As it turned out, the task list only needed to be temporary. We both got in better habits, just having it in writing on the fridge for a couple months.

I still occasionally have to request his help with some of the deeper cleaning that we don't do on a regular basis and he NEVER notices, but I do. But since it is only once in awhile, it isn't that big of a deal.

CharmedPam · January 2024

short+sassy said:

I don't think it's hopeless...yet.

My H and I had resentment and disagreements years ago about chores. But we talked about it and worked things out.

I agree. This would depend on the person. Some people can be “oh. I didn’t even realize I did that” - or they can be “I don’t like doing that. Ever since I moved out of my parents house, I relaized I no longer have to do what I don’t like doing” (ergo exH)

mrsconn23 · January 2024

short+sassy said:

I don't think it's hopeless...yet.

My H and I had resentment and disagreements years ago about chores. But we talked about it and worked things out.

I agree and same. I will never clean a bathroom to DH's standards or be as bothered by clutter as him. He'll never think about the last time the sheets were changed or that you can stack a dishwasher a certain way to fit everything in and ensure it all gets cleaned. We also fold clothes in entirely different ways and just are happy that someone else folded our clothes when we find them stacked up to be put away.

There are ways to work this out without it being a fight or LW being 'mother'. But it takes being calm and saying things out loud, not hints, 'suggestions', or hoping he'll 'get it'.

charlotte989875 · January 2024

Does he really need a reminder to do the dishes that are sitting there, or take out a full trash can when he sees it? If she’s already had a conversation with him and he still doesn’t pull his weight she does need another, more direct conversation that’s basically “I don’t want to nag you, and I won’t anymore, but I feel our distribution of line is unfair and I don’t want to get to a point where I resent you”.

If he doesn’t take it seriously he never will. And they likely includes when/if you have children and LW ends up doing all the chores and caretaking there too.

VarunaTT · January 2024

I was just discussing this with my chat group the other day! The weaponized incompetance of men, even to the point of helping but doing it wrong, so that they gaslight their partner into being grateful, but taking over b/c they did it wrong. That's how my exH was.

It's been 7 years already. Do not get married, walk away. I guarantee LW has already compromised her "vision" of cleanliness in some way, shape, or form. Don't marry people you don't like living with.

kerbohl · January 2024

When I got married, I said that I will never dust again. Hubby is not observant. When it gets time to dust, I will write his name in dust around the house until he notices.
I would rather clean a filthy bathroom than dust - I don't know why I hate it so much.
Also, I can't tell from this letter, but is it the actual doing of the chores the the LW is having a problem with? Or the fact that they have to TELL their fiance that the time has come to do xyz around the house? Because I can see that frustration - it's not on me to see that the grass is long, it's your house too. That kind of thing.

short+sassy · January 2024

kerbohl said:

When I got married, I said that I will never dust again. Hubby is not observant. When it gets time to dust, I will write his name in dust around the house until he notices.
I would rather clean a filthy bathroom than dust - I don't know why I hate it so much.
Also, I can't tell from this letter, but is it the actual doing of the chores the the LW is having a problem with? Or the fact that they have to TELL their fiance that the time has come to do xyz around the house? Because I can see that frustration - it's not on me to see that the grass is long, it's your house too. That kind of thing.

I am DYING of laughter over here!

levioosa · January 2024

H is wonderful at so many things, but cleaning is not one of them. You know what though? He still does the dishes. He takes out the trash. After I lost it about the splashing behind the bathroom sink (seriously how was he washing his hands? By flinging water?) he stopped and now he wipes up after himself because it bothers me. And I basically don’t help at all with outside chores. I told him I had zero interest in yard work so the fact that he doesn’t do so much deep cleaning evens out. He also puts a genuine effort into doing the little things that make a difference to me. Just like how when I can work up to it I will trim the outdoor bushes to make him feel seen and helped. And neither of us are bed makers. Wish I was, but I refuse to sacrifice sleep to make the bed. I do feel better when it’s made though.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2024

levioosa said:

H is wonderful at so many things, but cleaning is not one of them. You know what though? He still does the dishes. He takes out the trash. After I lost it about the splashing behind the bathroom sink (seriously how was he washing his hands? By flinging water?) he stopped and now he wipes up after himself because it bothers me. And I basically don’t help at all with outside chores. I told him I had zero interest in yard work so the fact that he doesn’t do so much deep cleaning evens out. He also puts a genuine effort into doing the little things that make a difference to me. Just like how when I can work up to it I will trim the outdoor bushes to make him feel seen and helped. And neither of us are bed makers. Wish I was, but I refuse to sacrifice sleep to make the bed. I do feel better when it’s made though.

This is me and H. I can't sleep in a bed that hasn't been made. H never gave it a second thought. H cooks and does the grocery shopping (now that he is retired), and I do the laundry and house cleaning. He does most of the outside work but I do some. This how we worked out what was important to us. It has worked for almost 41 years.

CharmedPam · January 2024

kerbohl said:

When I got married, I said that I will never dust again. Hubby is not observant. When it gets time to dust, I will write his name in dust around the house until he notices.
I would rather clean a filthy bathroom than dust - I don't know why I hate it so much.

I may or may not have just bought an air purifier because the ad said “we haven’t dusted since getting this!”

And that’s all it took.

kerbohl · January 2024

I will make the bed, but I'm not a stickler. My argument is that I want it to air out, so it should remain unmade for a few hours before being made for health reasons. I don't know if it is true or an old wives tale, but I'm sticking to it, that airing out your bed by keeping it unmade is good for you!

MyNameIsNot · January 2024

kerbohl said:

When I got married, I said that I will never dust again. Hubby is not observant. When it gets time to dust, I will write his name in dust around the house until he notices.
I would rather clean a filthy bathroom than dust - I don't know why I hate it so much.
Also, I can't tell from this letter, but is it the actual doing of the chores the the LW is having a problem with? Or the fact that they have to TELL their fiance that the time has come to do xyz around the house? Because I can see that frustration - it's not on me to see that the grass is long, it's your house too. That kind of thing.

LW says "He’s always extremely apologetic for not helping and does tasks when asked—but I’ve tried to stress to him that me asking him to do something over and over (like take out the trash) is exhausting." which to me reads that the problem is that he has to be asked for every little thing.

This is more about the mental labor of being the house's project manager than doing the actual chores. He has eyes; he can see that the trash needs to go out. But by waiting until she asks him to do it, he's reinforcing that the house is her domain and that he's being "helpful" by taking it out. It's just another way that we reinforce sexist gender roles.

Anyway, I'm with Varuna. If it's been 7 years with multiple conversations and it's still happening, walk away. This is not something that gets better with time.

MesmrEwe · January 2024

He wants a servant he can have intercourse with that pays their own way, not a partner... LW wants a partner who contributes to the daily operations of the household and not be a taskmaster who has to keep a mental inventory of 100% of what has/hasn't been done for two people and the added load of being expected to automatically do 100% themselves.. Two words "Man Child"! That FI needs a healthy dose of "Not the Momma" CTJ or LW needs to GTFO - it's not her job to have to remind another adult constantly about doing basic tasks!

Stop suggesting and start saying, "Hi, trash needs to go out."

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