Dear Prudence,
My in-laws are using my children as a platform to make passive-aggressive digs at my husband. When I was pregnant with my first child and we found out it was a boy, my mother-in-law commented, “That’s too bad, you won’t be able to have as close a relationship with him as you would a girl.” I was taken aback and didn’t respond at the time, and over the past two years both she and my father-in-law have made comments about how I need to enjoy the toddler years because “When he’s a teen he won’t love you anymore.” I usually respond along the lines of, ” I’m sure we’ll be fine, I understand teens like and need their space.” Now I am pregnant with our second, and it’s a girl. Their comments have now ramped up to, “We’re glad it’s a girl—girls are loyal. She’ll always love you! “
These comments obviously bother me. First of all, don’t assume you know the course of someone’s future relationships based on what’s in their pants. Secondly, I had an abusive mother, and having cut ties with her I’m obviously not “loyal” and for good reason. But thirdly, these are all very clearly digs at my husband (an only child) not being the son they wished for. He is a good husband and sets clear boundaries for them and sticks to them when they push. He calls them often and video chats, and tries to share things he’s excited about with them, to which they rarely respond to anything beyond indifference. They don’t call or reach out to him unless it’s a family emergency. The distance they complain of and allude to seems to be entirely their own making, based on some slight that occurred when he was a teen. They never make these gendered comments around him either, so he doesn’t have a chance to defend me or him. He is aware of the comments as I’ve told him about it, and struggles with guilt that he isn’t the son they wanted, something we talk about often and he has been in therapy for.
Their relationship is ultimately up to them to deal with, but in the meantime, those comments hurt me as well, and I want to set a clear boundary myself. I am due very soon and I know when our girl arrives there will be another slew of comments from them, and I am trying to construct a polite but firm answer to have ready. So far I have, “Please stop commenting on my future relationship with my children based solely on gender. You seem to be projecting your disappointments with (my husband) on me and my children, which I do not appreciate. I would suggest you talk to a professional about it instead, as it clearly still bothers you.” What do you think? Too harsh? Not firm enough? I’m not trying to be rude, but if they don’t stop it, I might snap and say something truly horrible, and my husband will pay the price for my anger, which I won’t let happen.
—Boomer Wrangling