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Wedding Woes

Leave him alone, for starters.

Dear Prudence,

Twenty years ago I was in a relationship with Mark, but it ended when he moved away. Mark married someone else but we kept in touch (emails, Christmas cards, etc). Every year when Mark visited his family back home we got together to have lunch and chat. About eight years ago, he visited for the funeral of his mother and one thing led to another and we kissed, and he admitted he’d never gotten over me and I was the love of his life. I told him I felt the same. We didn’t take it any further and he flew back home, apologized later over email, and said he couldn’t abandon his wife.

This year, I heard that Mark came to visit his family for the holidays for the first time in four years but he didn’t ask to meet with me. Even though we have not talked much lately, I felt hurt. I sent him an email asking him why he didn’t want to see me. He replied by saying that he is married and we can’t act like we did when we were younger and that he loves his wife. I feel I’ve been discarded for no good reason. What’s worse, Mark and his wife are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary in a couple of months and their Facebook pages are full of updates on their plans for their second honeymoon. Deep down I always dreamt he’d leave his wife and get together with me, and now I feel like a fool. I don’t know how to get over this heartbreak. How do I move past this?

—Broken Hearted

Re: Leave him alone, for starters.

  • Ooohhhh.  I'm being reminded a little of the other Prudie letter this week with James and Ally.

    I am very concerned for the LW.  They have been pining over this guy for the last 8 years!  Obviously the kiss and the confession on his part was a mistake.  He said as much and has avoided the LW since then.

    They haven't so much been a "fool", as been delusional.  Except for arguably that long ago kiss, he's never treated her like a fool.  Now 7 years later they feel "discarded".  They're the one that's been living in this completely made-up fantasy that he is leaving his wife for her.  He's been very clear this entire time that his priority is his wife.  As it should be.

    It's wild they're "shocked and appalled" that he and his wife are going on a second honeymoon and making a big to-do about their 15th anniversary.

    The LW doesn't even realize that she loves the man he WAS.  It's been 20 years since they were together.  Neither one of them are the same people they were back then.
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  • LW, block Mark on all your social media and go get therapy.  You've been living a fanstasy in your head.  You made yourself feel like a fool, not Mark.
  • You know what to do LW, you just don’t want to do it. 
  • You and Mark kissed eight years ago during a time when he was grieving and vulnerable. He has since made clear that he regrets his behavior and is committed to his marriage. And he is right to keep his distance if he doesn't believe he can trust himself around you. 

    Now it's time for you to create some distance from Mark and quit pining. Unfriend him on social media and go to therapy if you have to. This is not healthy.
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