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Wedding Woes
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Start by talking to your husband.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I need help expressing love. I wasn’t raised in a loving household full of hugs and affection. I dated a series of abusive partners. And then I was beyond blessed to meet my now husband. But I have a problem. Every time he says something sweet to me or compliments me, my skin crawls.

When I try to say (or even just text!) something affectionate and loving, I feel like it’s insincere and revise to something simpler and to the point, or something sarcastic, or I just deflect. I’m sad that I can’t shout from the rooftops how much he means to me and how lucky I am, but it just doesn’t feel authentic to me. Instead, I feel something like embarrassment and discomfort. How can I get past this and let him know?

–No Love Language

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Re: Start by talking to your husband.

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Get a therapist to help you develop these tools in a safe environment for you to try and discuss the feelings that arise.  They'll help you push beyond these inner boundaries that aren't serving you with some exercises that'll push just a little at a time, in both giving and receiving.  Also, you might ask your partner what kinds of affection they like, so you're working in the right direction.  Just saying, "You mean a lot to me and I feel lucky" actually IS showing affection.

    I had a lot of problems showing and accepting affection after exH.  B/c he wasn't affectionate with me at all after awhile, or then would be affectionate until I shut up about it basically, it was hard for me to accept it b/c I always felt like it was insincere or would be taken away.  It was hard to give it, b/c there was no reciprocal effort or appreciation from exH, so you stop b/c that hurts.  I had to work hard and it's still not natural for me to be affectionate without effort, even to friends.  But it is possible and it does get easier.  
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes therapy. Also identify how he does make you feel loved and express that to him. “Hey babe, I feel loved when you do X. I really do appreciate it. It’s hard for me to verbalize it but I do appreciate and love you. Are there other things I can do to show you that (ie acts of service/physical touch/whatever)?”


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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If talking to him is hard maybe start by showing him the letter. Start there. 

    But you do need to figure out what makes you, and your partner feel love, and start to cultivate that for both of you. Therapy can help you figure yours out and be open to hearing his. 
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