Dear Prudence,
Four years ago, I moved to a new city to attend grad school at a university you would certainly know. While there, I fell head over heels for one of my professors who was significantly older than me (I know, I know). I was thrilled when he asked to marry me, but devastated when he returned to his ex-wife before our marriage.
After leaving school, I found myself still living in the city, working for a friend. “Daniel” is loud, crass, and prone to sexist remarks, with a bunch of white male friends who think and act the way he does. He used to abuse alcohol but is now sober. But he is funny and has a giant heart, and helped me pick up the pieces of my life after they were shattered. I quickly fell into a physical relationship with Daniel, while he was still my boss (I know! I know!). I don’t think either of us thought it would go very far. There’s no kind way to say this, but we’re simply from different social classes and educational backgrounds. And while at times I felt we could get past that, at other times he’d flare up with some sexist crack or fall back into his womanizing ways that reminded me of why I set a mental countdown on our relationship in the first place.
Recently, while we were broken up, a third man entered my life. “Graham” is also kind, loving, highly educated, and a working professional. He also has an ex-wife. He recently broached the subject of marriage, but I find myself still thinking about Daniel (who I still work with and see every day). I suspect Daniel still carries a flame for me. And I can’t help but wonder if, with Graham, I’m repeating the first relationship that crashed down around me.
I’m thinking of accepting Graham’s proposal when it comes. On paper, I know he’s the right man for me. But I’m worried about how to handle my professional relationship with Daniel, and whether I’m picking the wrong man for all the right reasons. How do I figure this out?
–Triangle of My Own Making