Children in the wedding party etiquette

pairofliles · January 2013

My sister is getting married in October. I am the MOH and she has asked all three of my children to be in the wedding, Flower girl 4, Ring bearer 8 and Usher 9. I have just learned that she doesn't want them to attend the reception after the ceremony..in other words it's an adult only wedding. I have a very hard time understanding how she could expect my children to participate in her wedding and then kick them out after..it's like asking me to do my duties as the MOH and telling me "sorry you can't stay for the party". My kids are really hurt by this as well and now they don't even want to go to the wedding. Am I wrong in thinking they should be included in the reception if they are in the wedding party?

AddieCake · January 2013

No, you are not wrong. It IS rude of her to ask your children to do a "task" for her and then not allow them to come to the reception. I would pull them out!

daria24 · January 2013

That's incredibly rude-she's using your children as props. Me personally, I would not be happy about having to pay for 3 outfits, and then have to pay for babysitting as well. But only you can decide if you want to deal with the fallout if you decide to withdraw your children from the wedding party.

Simply Fated · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:9e0b2ee2-7e57-4b39-8237-fe40e31e0c7d">Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister is getting married in October. I am the MOH and she has asked all three of my children to be in the wedding, Flower girl 4, Ring bearer 8 and Usher 9. I have just learned that she doesn't want them to attend the reception after the ceremony..in other words it's an adult only wedding. I have a very hard time understanding how she could expect my children to participate in her wedding and then kick them out after..it's like asking me to do my duties as the MOH and telling me "sorry you can't stay for the party". My kids are really hurt by this as well and now they don't even want to go to the wedding. Am I wrong in thinking they should be included in the reception if they are in the wedding party?
Posted by pairofliles[/QUOTE]
Of course you're not wrong.
Even if she wanted an adults only party, surely the kids who stood with her during her ceremony (you know, the actual whole reason there is a party) should be an exception.

I don't blame them for not wanting to go. For kids, the ceremony is the sucky part. The reception is the whole fun! Food, dancing, cake... and people coming up to them and telling them how adorable they are. I can not believe your sister is robbing them of that.

I would still go to the ceremony, since she <em>is</em> your sister and I think years from now she could realize what a mistake she made with your kids and you'll both regret it if you don't go. I would skip the reception, though. Go home and take your kids to Carvel or Friendlys or whatever delicious ice cream place you have near you and have a better time there than you would have had at that stuffy reception with people pinching your poor kids' cheeks.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:15698412-baaa-4baf-8941-11073da4f140">Re: Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Children in the wedding party etiquette : Of course you're not wrong. Even if she wanted an adults only party, surely the kids who stood with her during her ceremony (you know, the actual whole reason there is a party) should be an exception. I don't blame them for not wanting to go. For kids, the ceremony is the sucky part. The reception is the whole fun! Food, dancing, cake... <strong>and people coming up to them and telling them how adorable they are.</strong> I can not believe your sister is robbing them of that. I would still go to the ceremony, since she is your sister and I think years from now she could realize what a mistake she made with your kids and you'll both regret it if you don't go. I would skip the reception, though. Go home and take your kids to Carvel or Friendlys or whatever delicious ice cream place you have near you and have a better time there than you would have had <strong>at that stuffy reception with people pinching your poor kids' cheeks.</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

These two bolded things are exactly what kids tend to hate about weddings and being in them.

That said, I do agree that your kids, if in the wedding party, should have been invited to the reception.

Simply Fated · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:c577d7c5-3186-49c4-bed5-8f9ef8badb10">Re: Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Children in the wedding party etiquette : These two bolded things are exactly what kids tend to hate about weddings and being in them. That said, I do agree that your kids, if in the wedding party, should have been invited to the reception.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't know. I had terrible low self-esteem and if any adults compliemented me I would assume they were lying.

And of course I think the second bolded thing sucks, that's why I put it at the end there.

Avion22 · January 2013

It's very rude of her to ask your children to be in the ceremony but not invite them to the reception.

And what does she expect YOU to do? Leave after the ceremony to take them home, get them changed out of their nice clothes, feed them dinner, and get them settled down with a sitter -- then come back to the reception? I'm sure she's going to want you for pictures and stuff. She clearly has not thought this through.

I would be honest with her -- tell her how hurt the children are that they aren't invited to the reception, and that they are saying they don't want to go to the wedding anymore, and that you are inclined to agree with them. What YOU choose to do beyond that is up to you. Do you think you'd be okay with leaving them with a sitter for the whole night, and having a kid-free night on your own?

ConKFA319 · January 2013

I totally agree with you and all the PPs. How she can ask your kids to be in the wedding and then exclude them from the rest of the day is beyond me.

H and I had an adults-only reception, too - but we had my then-10-year-old cousin in our wedding party, and you better believe he was at the reception, too. I get that since she's having an adults-only reception, she might feel that if she makes an exception for your kids, she'll have to make an exception for everyone else's kids, too. However, these are not just random people's kids (I hate how that sounds, but you know what I mean) - they are IN the wedding. There should most definitely be an exception made for them. And you know what? People will understand.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Totally rude! Is she planning to offer child care for your children? Presumably, you'll be needed for pictures/entrance so it's not really fair to your DH to whisk them away after they are done being props for the ceremony and pictures.

I would talk to your sister. They are a perfect exception to the no kids rule and a guest who could not bring their children should understand that they were included as part of the bridal party.

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

What she's doing is rude. I would probably pull the kids out of the wedding and just go yourself. I'd say, "My kids would be pretty upset if they got to be in the ceremony but not attend the party after. So I think I'm just keeping them home altogether and just H and I will attend." Maybe that would get the message across and she would do the right thing and extend the invite to the reception. If not, oh well. Her faux pas.

Or if you didn't just want to leave the kids home all night, I might attend the ceremony, come to the reception for a little bit, then duck out way early and go do something fun with the kids instead.

lyndausvi · January 2013

I would pull the kids from the wedding. Not only is it rude, but it's also an inconvenience for you. You know have to find a babysitter, arrange for them to be picked up or dropped off, etc. Sorry but I would not let my sister treat my kids or me for that matter in that way.

pairofliles · January 2013

Thanks for all the advice everyone..it helps to get some support. My parents are actually in the same line of thinking as my sister so having all this advice on my side really helps.

banana468 · January 2013

I know of many people who did this and thought it was great to bus the kids to some other location. I don't get it. You wouldn't do this to any adult so why is it OK to use a kid as a prop only to not include them in the post-wedding celebration?

I would pull my kids and wouldn't spend a dime on special wedding attire. Find a sitter and attend the wedding with your SO. If she wants them in the wedding that badly she can host them properly.

clile117 · January 2013

This is an evening event that will be going till after the childrens bed times. Considering the childrens bed time is at 8 and the reception will not start until 7, I would expect that the children would be in a grumpy mood staying up late, after a very busy day, past their bed time. Beyond the fact that it has already been discussed previously that there would be a sitter for the children, we wish to have no children at our reception. Those wishes should be respected. As family is very important to us and we do not want to exclude some very important family from this special day, we wish to include the for the ceremony. Beyond that, we have not made a final decision on who will be in the wedding party. I also have nieces and nephews that I may decide I want involved in the ceremony. We do not believe it will be appropriate to have children running around while a large party of adults are drinking and dancing, just as it would be inappropriate to have children at a bar or club in the evening. There will also be a cigar bar present, I would not want to be smoking in front of your children. I would appreciate if you would respect our wishes and understand that we are keeping the welfare of your children in mind, as well as trying to make this our special day in which everyone can enjoy, from all of the adults to the children.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:2547a48a-3e4d-4b7f-9fa2-61222be691cf">Re: Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is an evening event that will be going till after the childrens bed times. Considering the childrens bed time is at 8 and the reception will not start until 7, I would expect that the children would be in a grumpy mood staying up late, after a very busy day, past their bed time. Beyond the fact that it has already been discussed previously that there would be a sitter for the children, we wish to have no children at our reception. Those wishes should be respected. As family is very important to us and we do not want to exclude some very important family from this special day, we wish to include the for the ceremony. Beyond that, we have not made a final decision on who will be in the wedding party. I also have nieces and nephews that I may decide I want involved in the ceremony. We do not believe it will be appropriate to have children running around while a large party of adults are drinking and dancing, just as it would be inappropriate to have children at a bar or club in the evening. There will also be a cigar bar present, I would not want to be smoking in front of your children. I would appreciate if you would respect our wishes and understand that we are keeping the welfare of your children in mind, as well as trying to make this our special day in which everyone can enjoy, from all of the adults to the children.
Posted by clile117[/QUOTE]

<div>Then you should not have children in your bridal party. You are using them has props and kicking them out of your wedding when you are done with their part. Their parents are going a considerable expense to have them attired appropriately for your wedding (presumable all new clothes to fit your theme/colors) and have them present for a few photos.</div><div>
</div><div>The children will not enjoy themselves being dressed up, dragged around for pictures, standing for a ceremony, and then being shuffled home while everyone goes on to party. Kids do not fully understand what it is to be in a wedding, but they hear about a party and cake and will not understand why they were excluded.</div><div>
</div><div>It's just plain rude.</div>

MrsNerraw13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:2547a48a-3e4d-4b7f-9fa2-61222be691cf">Re: Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is an evening event that will be going till after the childrens bed times. Considering the childrens bed time is at 8 and the reception will not start until 7, I would expect that the children would be in a grumpy mood staying up late, after a very busy day, past their bed time. Beyond the fact that it has already been discussed previously that there would be a sitter for the children, we wish to have no children at our reception. Those wishes should be respected. As family is very important to us and we do not want to exclude some very important family from this special day, we wish to include the for the ceremony. Beyond that, we have not made a final decision on who will be in the wedding party. I also have nieces and nephews that I may decide I want involved in the ceremony. We do not believe it will be appropriate to have children running around while a large party of adults are drinking and dancing, just as it would be inappropriate to have children at a bar or club in the evening. There will also be a cigar bar present, I would not want to be smoking in front of your children. I would appreciate if you would respect our wishes and understand that we are keeping the welfare of your children in mind, as well as trying to make this our special day in which everyone can enjoy, from all of the adults to the children.
Posted by clile117[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So wait, you mean to tell me you believe your nieces and nephews are not well behaved enough to not run around. To me if I was your sister that would be a slap in the face to me and my children. What my aunt did is when she had her wedding she allowed EVERYONE THAT WAS INVOLVED in the wedding to come to the reception. But did not allow GUESTS of the wedding to bring children. </div><div>I think it is incredibly rude what you are asking.

</div>

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Well, what is to say that you are not going to have a cranky bunch of children at your ceremony if it is so close to bedtime. I don't know of any child that has perfect behavior. Generally, children in the bridal party are included when other children are excluded. We had a few children of various ages at our wedding. When it got late, their parents put them to bed and left the reception to be with them. We also provided coloring books and crayons to keep them occupied after dinner. To be quiet honest, even though it was past their bedtimes, they were all enegerized from the excitement and had a wonderful evening. There was no poor behavior.

MrsNerraw13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:22165f5b-a56c-4ccd-a690-9dde75e9bddd">Re:Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, what is to say that you are not going to have a cranky bunch of children at your ceremony if it is so close to bedtime. I don't know of any child that has perfect behavior. Generally, children in the bridal party are included when other children are excluded. We had a few children of various ages at our wedding. When it got late, their parents put them to bed and left the reception to be with them. We also provided coloring books and crayons to keep them occupied after dinner. To be quiet honest, even though it was past their bedtimes, they were all enegerized from the excitement and had a wonderful evening. There was no poor behavior.
Posted by cajitasazules[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Very well put! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div><div><div>
</div></div>

clile117 · January 2013

When it got late, their parents put them to bed. This is all we are asking. We have already discussed having a sitter for the children when it gets late. Beyond the fact our wedding is on a Sunday and the children will have school the next day. We are thinking of both the welfare of the children, and having a great day on our wedding day. Our intentions are to involve the children with a family event, and when it is time for them to go to bed, we are planning on having a sitter so that everyone can have a good time and the parents do not have to leave before the reception is over.

LDubHawksFan · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-in-the-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10505740-3fa7-4eb3-a2d4-37580c675489Post:beff2cc5-3b44-44ff-bcbe-1919bc329728">Re: Children in the wedding party etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]When it got late, their parents put them to bed. This is all we are asking. We have already discussed having a sitter for the children when it gets late. Beyond the fact our wedding is on a Sunday and the children will have school the next day. We are thinking of both the welfare of the children, and having a great day on our wedding day. Our intentions are to involve the children with a family event, and when it is time for them to go to bed, we are planning on having a sitter so that everyone can have a good time and the parents do not have to leave before the reception is over.
Posted by clile117[/QUOTE]

Are you the bride/sister in the OP?? So you are going to let the nieces and nephews stay for the reception, including dinner, dancing, some cake and then let the parents decide when they are ready to be sent off to bed? Even if their normal bedtime is 8 pm, children are excited about these sort of events and might have a lot of fun. It's really up to the parents on when their kids will be put to bed, and if they want to make an exception for stay up until 10 for Aunt clile's wedding, so be it.....but it doesn't sound like that was your intention with your concern of the open bar and cigars. The ceremony and reception are all one event and you can't dictate that certain guests have to leave after an hour. fwiw, all the kids invited to ours had a blast and were well behaved....and quite frankly used the dance floor just as much all the adults.

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