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I'm worried that nothing will ever faze my BF.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have been going out with my thoughtful, sweet boyfriend for just over a decade. One of the things that I particularly love about him is that he never loses his cool and nothing phases him. He never raises his voice and never gets upset. Recently, though, I have begun to wonder if this is a massive red flag. His brother died and he basically shrugged. He helped his family but he never showed any emotion, didn’t even take time off work, and seemed completely unaffected. It’s not the first time, he played squash an hour after his mother died and went to dinner with friends that night. I am starting to wonder if he is a psychopath or just deeply repressed, even though he has never been anything but kind. This doesn’t feel normal. Is it? Am I wrong to be worried?

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Re: I'm worried that nothing will ever faze my BF.

  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    This is how some people deal with things. If it bothers you this much, you can definitely leave, but he's not a psychopath because he doesn't exhibit a small subset of behaviors that you think he needs to to "prove" he's sad enough. 

    I'm very much like this. I'll break down in private when it hits me, but am extremely calm in horrible situations and would rather just get on with it. Doesn't mean i'm not sad and thinking about it constantly, i just don't want be sad and thinking about it on my couch using PTO. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Two posts this week for "let people grieve how they grieve".  Albeit on opposite sides of the spectrum.

    How he grieves is unusual.  But that alone does not make it a red flag.

    This is also something they should keep in mind if they have a tragedy in their life.  Like a death in their family or being diagnosed with a major medical condition.  The b/f will probably seem unaffected by those things also.  It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but that is how he processes things.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is my H; he’s not a psychopath he just doesn’t outwardly process emotions. But it is harder to know if he’s doing okay. And you can expect communication and someone to pay attention to your feelings and needs. But don’t assume his are the same. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This isn't exactly my H but not totally removed.  Talk to this person and figure it out.  Sometimes this is how people are.  Sometimes they let it out when you're not looking. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeah, I wouldn't go as far as calling him that.  This is how he is.  Maybe he’s dealing internally, which also isn’t a bad thing. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I am this person. After my brother’s car accident (I was on scene and it was horrific) the cop accidentally gave me a bunch of items he wasn’t supposed to because he was so disconcerted by it. We were both sure he’d died in transit to the hospital based on the gore and state of the vehicle. He straight up asked me “I’ve never seen anyone act like this? Are you okay?” And I asked him if he’d rather have me on scene hysterical and he quickly responded no. lol. Then he had to show up to our house the next day to collect the evidence back. I’m the person everyone calls because I’m calm in all hell breaks loose situations. I’ve had people tell me nearly at the same time that they don’t know what they’d do without me, but then also that they think something’s wrong with me because I’m so unemotional. The first time I actually broke down about my brother in front of SIL she told me she was glad she saw it because she just figured I was heartless. No, I’m quiet about it and I’m not a public expresser. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel things. And when you couple that with boundaries that I have to have with certain people, yeah, I can come off as unfeeling. But I’m definitely not a psychopath. 
    I felt like I had to do that with Chiquita in the hospital.  I'm sure I showed emotion but I was freaking out inside.  It wasn't until they wheeled her into her scopes that I needed a moment to cry in the bathroom.  I couldn't break down publicly in front of her because she didn't need to see a mom scared.  I needed to be there to cheer her on.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly I think that’s how H would react to @levioosa. 

    When we found out I needed the emergency c-section he was all “okay do I leave immediately or do I pack some things first”. 

    Once his car was stolen from in front of our apartment and we found out when the cops showed up at the door. They asked him the last place he saw it, he looked past them and pointed to the street. They told him what happened and he just said “okay”. They were giving him some serious looks, but that’s just him. What would freaking out do in that situation. 
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