Don't push, but be open about your limits

Casadena · February 2024

I own a three-bedroom house that has been paid off. The real estate market is insane in our area. Currently, my 18-year-old son lives with me. My girlfriend lost her job and can’t afford rent on her three-bedroom house anymore. She has two girls, one in middle school and the other in elementary. She shares custody of the oldest one (the other dad isn’t in the picture). She can’t legally move out of the county and doesn’t want the girls to leave the school district. It feels like a no brainer to me. Put her stuff in storage and move in with me. The girls can share the guest room.

This apparently is completely untenable. The girls have to have their own spaces. So my girlfriend’s solution is that my son leaves since he is over with his girlfriend all the time (not happening) or we sell my house for a bigger place (not happening). I grew up with my two brothers in a room smaller than any of our bedrooms. The girls will survive having to share a space, and the older girl has a room at her dad’s. I love my girlfriend, but I think letting the wants (not needs) of a 12-year-old dictate the entire family situation is insane.

All the rooms are of equal size but the girls would have their own bathroom since the guest room is on the second story while the other two are on the main floor. Time is running out and so are my girlfriend’s savings. I love her but I can’t strong-arm her to seeing the obvious solution in front of her. Help.

banana468 · February 2024

This is tough. I would want to know the age difference between the 12 yo and the elementary aged kid. We're not just talking room sharing at this point but ways to accommodate the needs of a kid who will have different homework types and sleep schedules from the younger sibling. If the elementary aged kid is years away from middle school anything then I don't think the LW's proposal to share a room is necessarily the best looking at the mental health of the kid.

That said, the GF's head is in the clouds if she isn't looking at her own situation and it's not hers to force on the BF. It's time to make some bigger and bolder choices and if the ONLY solution available is to move in with the LW then the kids need to share a room for the time being while they work on an alternate solution.

short+sassy · February 2024

Beggars can't be choosers. The LW's boundaries are perfectly reasonable and his g/f needs to stop dictating terms when she is the one with nowhere else to go. If she wants to throw back the massive lifeline she is being given, then she can go rent an extended stay motel where she and both daughters will ALL share a room.

One compromise could be asking the son if he wouldn't mind one of the girls sleeping in his room on the nights he won't be there.

The fact that she wants the LW to sell his house for a bigger one is also a red flag for me that she doesn't intend to get another job. Because otherwise, it would be "temporary lodgings" until she gets another job to rent another 3-bedroom house.

ei34 · February 2024

I’m getting red flag vibes too @short+sassy, that the gf is rejecting LWs generous and fair offer. Hope they do not give in.

I shared a room until I was 22 years old and my kids will always share one, it’s really not a big deal and more common than the gf might think.

banana468 · February 2024

Yeah - the bigger issue IMO is that the GF is acting like she thinks she can tell the LW how it's going to be in his house and she's clearly not in a financial standing to make any demands.

So my point standing up for the 12 yo is more looking out for her - but the LW is really not under any obligation to look out for her and really should be careful here with someone who should have seen this coming.

short+sassy · February 2024

ei34 said:

I’m getting red flag vibes too @short+sassy, that the gf is rejecting LWs generous and fair offer. Hope they do not give in.

I shared a room until I was 22 years old and my kids will always share one, it’s really not a big deal and more common than the gf might think.

It's nice when children can have their own room. But not necessary at all.

I shared a room with my sister for some of elementary school. There was an extra third bedroom in the house. Looking back, I'm not sure why that wasn't always my room. I think it was when she was a baby and I was a toddler. Then my parents made it a part exercise room/part guest bedroom and I shared with my sister.

Then they turned it back into my room when (I think) I was in junior high. I didn't ask. They just surprised me one day and asked if I would like my own room.

banana468 · February 2024

short+sassy said:

ei34 said:

I’m getting red flag vibes too @short+sassy, that the gf is rejecting LWs generous and fair offer. Hope they do not give in.

I shared a room until I was 22 years old and my kids will always share one, it’s really not a big deal and more common than the gf might think.

It's nice when children can have their own room. But not necessary at all.

I shared a room with my sister for some of elementary school. There was an extra third bedroom in the house. Looking back, I'm not sure why that wasn't always my room. I think it was when she was a baby and I was a toddler. Then my parents made it a part exercise room/part guest bedroom and I shared with my sister.

Then they turned it back into my room when (I think) I was in junior high. I didn't ask. They just surprised me one day and asked if I would like my own room.

Yeah I'm just thinking and wondering the age disparity. If it's 12 and 8 the 8 YO is going to age up quickly. If it's a 6th or 7th grader and a 1st grader that spread is WIDE and you need to have some kind of logistical plan to deal with the homework and different hours not to mention interests.

That said, the plan needs to be by the mom and not at the BF's expense.

flantastic · February 2024

My sister is 8 years younger than me and we shared a room until I went to college (and again when I was home for breaks). It was fine. My mental health was fine. I think as long as there are enough rooms in the house where each person could go somewhere to be alone, do homework uninterrupted, etc. and we know that the bedroom is the priority for the person who wants to go to sleep, that's adequate. (This is why I hated the open concept trend.)

The GF is delusional. Is it better for your girls to temporarily share a room or to be homeless? (Or at the very least, the extended stay motel thing.) She is the beggar who can't be a chooser. I hope LW holds the line and this isn't a test of how much the GF can demand of LW and his son.

levioosa · February 2024

I really want to know how long they have been saying. I am team LW. And you knowwww if the situation was reversed there’s no way GF would make her 18 year old child move out so someone else’s child could have their own bedroom. GF is being mighty picky over what is a good option.

charlotte989875 · February 2024

I think the GF is way out of line for trying to tell the LW what he should do with his own son, especially when that’s telling a barely-an-adult to move out and into a girlfriend’s place. That teenager still needs a place to come back to and will likely feel kicked out, replaced and his relationship with his Dad will suffer.

If it’s temporary then the girls can share. In the long term GF and LW can decide to move somewhere larger, expand their current place, or she and her family can move somewhere when she’s in a more stable financial position. But getting to dictate what LW does with his family in his house isn’t okay and GF should figure out a different plan.

VarunaTT · February 2024

I'm getting so cold hearted, b/c I'd just break up with her at this point. This was a hella generous offer (and we don't know how long this relationship has been). Her answer should've just been no, not "yes with strings attached", if she wasn't happy with it. There's no way this isn't a red flag of her behavior and expectations.

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2024

H is the oldest of 5, 3 boys and 2 girls. There is a 6 year age difference between him and his youngest brother (one girl is the youngest). All three boys shared a room until H went to college. Oh yeah and there was 1 and a half baths in the house. So it can be done FFS.

STARMOON44 · February 2024

Break up with her. She’s trying to kick your son out of his home!

downtondiva · February 2024

You offered her a good housing option and she's trying to kick your son out of his own home or push you to sell your home to buy something else. If I were in your shoes, I'd be questioning the future of this relationship!

Either way, stand your ground and make clear that this is the only thing you can offer. It's up to her to figure out another housing situation if this one isn't good enough.

MyNameIsNot · February 2024

VarunaTT said:

I'm getting so cold hearted, b/c I'd just break up with her at this point. This was a hella generous offer (and we don't know how long this relationship has been). Her answer should've just been no, not "yes with strings attached", if she wasn't happy with it. There's no way this isn't a red flag of her behavior and expectations.

This is where I am. Not wanting to have to make your kids share a room is whatever, but pushing LW to either kick out the 18 y/o or buy a bigger home is a big old red flag.

Don't push, but be open about your limits

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