Dear Prudence,
I adore my girlfriend, and we are also very different women. She’s irrepressibly herself under all circumstances—charming, authentic, earnest, and she loves silliness. She is the most anxious person I’ve ever encountered, but that doesn’t stop her from bringing her whole self and rocking it at everything from job interviews to dates to social events. I admire her ability to never turn it down no matter the social pressure, and it really works for her. She’s never afraid of how she presents herself, and she’s also chosen a career that makes lots of space for the quirky genius image.
I do not bring my whole self any-fucking-where except close friends, partner, and close family. I’m autistic and I’ve been told I tend to present as friendly but serious/reserved at work and in public. With people I know well, I can be more vulnerable and sillier. Either way, there’s things I would only do at home (wear my clothes in a dumb way to avoid sensory issues, messy hair, no bra) and even after several years together, the idea that I have separate levels of formality for separate spaces seems to confuse her.
Recently I accidentally wore a shirt inside out—to an awards dinner for my corporate job. She noticed and didn’t say anything because “I’ve seen you do that at home.” She also has recently brought up embarrassing/personal stories about me with people I don’t know well. She’s free to do those things about herself but it feels like she fundamentally doesn’t get that I feel exposed when stuff I consider private comes into a public space. I know people have different takes on masking, but this onion layer for different levels of intimacy thing works for me. How do I get this across?
—Opposites Attract