Dear Prudence,
I (she/her) have two partners, a married couple (M/F) who have been together for much longer than I have been with them, but we’re steady together as a trio at this point. They have always been planning on having children, yet haven’t been actively trying. My girlfriend became unexpectedly pregnant anyway, which they’re very happy about. They asked me to be this future kid’s parent and after quite a bit of discussion on what that meant, I’ve agreed. For someone who’s never wanted to be a parent, absolutely never wants to or will be pregnant, and is honestly a little scared of children, it turns out I have a lot of opinions on raising kids.
My question is, how hard can I push for a name? They had previously, years before our relationship, decided on a girl’s name they both agree on that I think is about on par with celebrity baby names—generally sort of unusual, named after an object. They disagreed at first, but eventually came up with a boy’s name they sort of agree on, which is the name of a character on a TV show. Which is already a compromise because he wanted a Jr.
and she’s resolutely against that (as am I). I hate both of the names. So much. I’m lucky they texted them to me first, because I could feel my face reacting poorly. My first thought was “what nicknames are there, and how can I avoid calling this kid by their name” which, yes, it feels as bad as it sounds. I haven’t said as much to my partners, but they’re smart cookies and I’m positive they know I hate the names. I cannot imagine pulling off an authoritative full-name call to a misbehaving child at a grocery store with these names. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it.
They’re not positive on the masc name and have asked me my opinion a couple times—usually in the context of reaffirming that a Jr. is a bad decision. My suggestions are usually just brushed off as not something they like, pretty immediately. The only one that hurt was one of them laughing at a diminutive version of my dad’s name as if it was a fake suggestion (it actually meets every requirement they have for the name, and I thought it would be nice to have some sort of on-paper connection between my family and my kid, who I legally never will be related to). Average parents get to choose their kids’ names, but I’m already not going to be the average parent because they’ll have three of them to start with, me being the very obvious odd one out.
Is this a situation where I just have to get over myself, because I’m petty and judgmental and being unreasonable with no real claim to naming input? Or should I advocate more forcefully that if my partners want me to raise a child equally with them, I should be able to participate in the pre-parenthood decision making as equally as anyone else with a pregnant partner gets to, and not have my suggestions immediately tossed to the side?
—A Rose by Any other Name. Seriously, Any Other Name.