Dear Prudence,
I have a question about how to go about mending a friendship, or if I should even attempt to do so. I see letters frequently from people whose friends have messed up and been cut off, and your answers are always pretty astute. This letter is different though, because I’m the friend that messed up.
Four years ago, I was in a downward spiral, and rooming with a friend I’d had since early childhood. We moved in together following mutual bad break-ups and a blanket quarter life crisis between us. Things were going really well, until I began experiencing extreme depression and erratic behavior. This worsened when she met a guy and began spending almost every night with him, and I was alone to do more damage to myself (not blaming her, it’s just the truth). I began dating men who were very controlling and manipulative, and was drinking excessively. Then, she told me about 24 days before we had to re-sign a lease or leave that she was moving in with her boyfriend. I had to force it out of her, I could tell she felt awful for it. I wished her well at first. But then I lost it, and one night when she was away I took a bunch of pills in a deliberate suicide attempt. A guy I was seeing found me and I ended up in the ER. He lied to the doctors and said it was an unintentional drug overdose—I have never done any drugs other than weed maybe 3-4 times. When my friend came back to the apartment, I lied and told her it was an allergic reaction (I have a lot of allergies) and she seemed to believe me. But then she was out within 24 hours and stopped responding to my calls or texts.
Three months later, still no contact, and I did the same thing and took more pills to end things. A neighbor heard me stumbling around and called 911, and I very nearly was successful. This one was much worse, my family was called, and there was no hiding what happened this time. I moved home, got into a partial in-patient program, and was diagnosed as bipolar. I’ve been medicated ever since, graduated from my therapy program, and am a completely different person. After things got better for me, my mom revealed that my friend had found my discharge papers from the hospital that said “drug overdose” and assumed (understandably) that I was using and that was the reason for my behavior. She called my mom and told her, then cut me off completely. It’s been four years, and I think about her all the time. I feel so guilty for how everything went down, and yet still angry that in a time I really needed a friend she kind of dropped me. I get it, what happened was intense. But I just can’t fathom doing that to someone I’d loved for 15+ years.
My family is still angry, because they feel like if she had stuck around through everything it may have prevented the second attempt. I don’t agree—I was a skilled liar back then because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was struggling. But I get their anger. The thing is, I want to apologize to her. I want to tell her that she was wrong about the drugs, that I have a mental illness, but that it’s under control and I’m better. I want to tell her I’m sorry she had to see me like that, and that I hope she’s ok. But where do I start? I still have her number, but I did write a text about three weeks after moving home (so almost four months after she went dark) saying that I knew things got weird between us but I still loved her and wanted to talk and she never responded. Should I write a letter? An email?
—I’m the Problem, It’s Me