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Let her know what you want to make and give her an out to say no.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

What is your opinion on cooking a slightly spicy dish for a neighbor you know but are not very close to? She’s been going through some tough times lately and may be experiencing a loss in the family soon. We occasionally text about what’s going on with our pets and whether one of us needs the other to pet sit in an emergency, but we aren’t close enough to know each other’s taste in food.

I’m not that good of a cook, but there’s this one recipe that I’m surprisingly good at (think curry or laziji), so I had the idea of trying to cook something nice for her. Except I don’t really know my neighbor’s spice tolerance, or if she can stomach Asian food much. Should I make something and just tell her she doesn’t need to eat it if it’s not to her taste? I definitely won’t season it too strongly, but due to its nature (spicy, Asian), I don’t know if it’ll suit her palate. She’s also going through some stuff right now, so I feel weird to just text her out of the blue.

—Not Chili But Something With Lots of Chilis

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Re: Let her know what you want to make and give her an out to say no.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I find it a little weird you say you’re not a good cook but that’s what you want to do for her. Even if you have a “signature” dish. If you’re not comfortable texting and asking I’d say don’t cook something that may not be a common food in your area. Get her a gift card or cookies and let her know you’re thinking of her. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    With food allergies and sensitivities, I wouldn't cook for someone without saying anything first, even without the spice thing. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I realize the LW's heart is in the right place, but if it would be weird to ask the neighbor's food preference then it would be even weirder to make a dish and surprise her with it.
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    MyNameIsNot said:
    With food allergies and sensitivities, I wouldn't cook for someone without saying anything first, even without the spice thing. 
    Agreed. If LW wants to help out food-wise, a gift card or offering to pick up dinner from a nearby restaurant for the neighbor is a better idea.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The last time I knew someone (coworker, not super close, but close enough) who had a loss, I wrote a card and gave them a door dash gift card. Gives options, people can get what they want, when they want, and there’s no pressure to pretend they like what you made. 


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would flat out not cook unless you knew this was something the person liked. 

    I also think it's important that when you know the person, find out WHEN the food should be brought.  There's a feeling as soon as the loss occurs that people need food which isn't wrong - but there becomes a point where a person is filled with casseroles and salads that can't possibly be eaten.  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    I would flat out not cook unless you knew this was something the person liked. 

    I also think it's important that when you know the person, find out WHEN the food should be brought.  There's a feeling as soon as the loss occurs that people need food which isn't wrong - but there becomes a point where a person is filled with casseroles and salads that can't possibly be eaten.  
    Not the same but we had people bring a ton of stuff, some that couldn’t be frozen, right after J was born. Honestly it would be really/more helpful now!
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    charlotte989875 said:
    banana468 said:
    I would flat out not cook unless you knew this was something the person liked. 

    I also think it's important that when you know the person, find out WHEN the food should be brought.  There's a feeling as soon as the loss occurs that people need food which isn't wrong - but there becomes a point where a person is filled with casseroles and salads that can't possibly be eaten.  
    Not the same but we had people bring a ton of stuff, some that couldn’t be frozen, right after J was born. Honestly it would be really/more helpful now!
    Totally agree with both of you. People forget that everyone has the food idea, and we have limited freezer space (also 2 fairly picky toddlers). Big fan of waiting a bit after an event, and then sending a meal so you don't overload people, but also, it's nice to know that people are still thinking about you a month later (or however long). 

    I've definitely noticed that with G's situation. It's not really any easier now than it was 2 years ago, it was just fresher in people minds. We/he got tons of food, gift cards, etc (and it was wonderful, don't get me wrong! I'm so thankful we had so many people reach out) but it would have been extra nice had it been spaced out a little bit. 
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