Dear Prudence,
My partner and I are both men, so if we have children, it would be through adoption. When we first got together 10 years ago, we connected over wanting to one day raise a family. This was before either of us knew about the difficulties that can come with adopting and raising children from the foster care system. My resolve hasn’t changed, but he has become more cautious. We’re in our early 30s now. I first brought it up again a couple of years ago. He said we needed to buy a car and a house first, so we did. Then, he said we needed to do research and speak to other parents about it. So, I’ve read three books and had chats with other adoptive parents about their experiences. My partner attended the chats but hasn’t read the books, listened to the podcasts, etc. I even arranged an introductory call with an adoption agency, but he said that was moving way too fast, so that’s been put on ice for now.
I keep bringing it up every six months or so, to which he says we need to learn more before making any decisions, but then he doesn’t do anything (and, I assume, doesn’t think about it) until the next time I bring it up. I want to be a parent, and know I have the love (and hard work, depending on our could-be child’s particular experiences) to give. I also love my partner and would stay with him even if we decided not to adopt. I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m frustrated because he refuses to “learn more” or make any progress, one way or the other, on this decision. I feel as if my future is in limbo because we can’t come to a clear path. I just want to know what my life is going to be, and I want to grieve what could have been if we decide against parenthood. What should I be doing here?
—One Way or the Other