Dear Prudence,
I’ve been dating Hannah for about eight months. I know she wants to get serious, and I’d like to get serious with her, too, but there is one issue that is bothering me, and I need advice on how to discuss it with her before we take the next step. Hannah’s parents divorced when she was 10, and she has talked about how their divorce and the breakup of her family has really affected her life and relationships. She attributes just about every semi-negative thing that has happened since then to the divorce. I can’t stress how many times she’s started a sentence with “if my parents had just stayed together…”
As a child of divorce myself, I am empathetic, but what confuses me is that Hannah puts all the blame on her father even though her mother was the one who had an affair. Hannah’s reasoning is that her father should have forgiven her mother and kept the family together. She cannot forgive him for not forgiving her mother. What makes it worse is that Hannah’s mom had an affair with a coworker and when the affair came out, both the coworker and Hannah’s mom were fired due to a “morality clause” at the company where they worked. Afterwards, she was unable to find a job that paid as well and struggled financially after the divorce.
Hannah’s father paid child support but fought to not pay alimony and Hannah thinks that was selfish of him because he left her mom “in poverty.”
This is not exactly true—Hannah’s mom moved from upper middle class to middle class and couldn’t afford a big house and fancy vacations. Hannah and her brother still went on fancy vacations with their dad, who also bought each of them cars when they started driving (and replaced Hannah’s when she totaled it) as well as single handedly paying for their college education.
I understand a kid feeling this way, but Hannah is 28 years old. It baffles me that she still hangs onto this belief that her mom should have just been forgiven for betraying her dad and her dad is to blame for not forgiving her. I was witness to a big fight between Hannah and her brother where all of this came out and her brother called her out on holding onto the animosity towards their dad when it was their mom who blew up the marriage. I can’t imagine being serious with someone who holds the belief that the one who cheated is the victim and the one who was cheated on should just get over it. I also can’t get past how she treats her dad. I would like to discuss it with her but I don’t know how. If she hasn’t changed her mind after 18 years, is it even worth it for me to try to get her to see clearly?
—Confounded in Columbus