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Don't send a TY note.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have an etiquette question that you are definitely going to judge me for, but here goes. I hate gifts. So. Much. I don’t have the physical space for them, I don’t necessarily share people’s tastes, and even when someone picks something absolutely delightful and appropriate, receiving gifts makes me feel guilty and like I’ve been put under an obligation. Luckily, my husband is on the same page as me on this, and when we got married we mostly successfully dissuaded people from giving us gifts.

The problem is that my husband’s very large and very lovely family seems to REALLY love gifts, and keeps giving them to us against our active protestations (both his immediate and extended family). What is the etiquette for sending thank you notes for something you really would actively prefer people don’t do? I don’t want to thank people for doing something I told them not to do and actively resent them for doing, but I also would like to avoid being overtly rude, if possible. Thoughts? Just suck it up? It does honestly drive me nuts.

—Not Actually Thankful

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Re: Don't send a TY note.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your husband's family - your husband's TY note obligation and issue to address.

    Once it's in your home the item is yours to jointly decide what to do with.  But if this is such a major issue he needs to reiterate and be clear, "We appreciate that you have love for us but honestly this is not going to be used and may be donated. If you are truly interested in gifting here are list of things that we do appreciate"

    Instead of them buying you the purse or painting tell them about the museum membership, restaurant or other place you like that may be gift-card worthy.  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I love gifts so I don’t totally get the LW. That said- is there anything, anything, that you could recommend your in laws gift you? It seems they’re really into gifts and are going to keep getting you something- so maybe try and give them suggestions. Memberships to museums or classes? Subscriptions to vineyards, newspapers, anything you do regularly? 

    If you really, really detest someone giving you anything- then tell them you will refuse anything they give you. It’s likely they’ll have feelings about it, but you won’t have gifts. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2024
    I think on one side, getting gifts you won't use or aren't your taste, all the time, is annoying.  On the other, if these people insist they have to give a gift, play along LW and give them ideas of what to gift you.  

    I cannot relate on the 'I hate gifts' level.  Gifts and acts of service are literally the way to my heart.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    I think on one side, getting gifts you won't use or aren't your taste, all the time, is annoying.  On the other, if these people insist they have to give a gift, play along LW and give them ideas of what to gift you.  

    I cannot relate on the 'I hate gifts' level.  Gifts and acts of service are literally the way to my heart.  
    Me too.  Especially if they come from a good place!   
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