Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

These letters always have me asking more questions than having an answer.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been stewing about this for some time, and I need your clarity. I have nine grandchildren. Seven are well-educated and have good jobs, two are older teens. I always remember their birthdays with a gift of cash and on Christmas, I give presents. None of them give me birthday or Christmas gifts, cards, or even a text. Please understand, I truly don’t need anything, but I’d like to be acknowledged with something small, a flower, a box of candy, or just a text. Frankly, I feel unappreciated. My grandchildren are warm and loving when I see them. My question to you, is this common behavior for millennial and gen Zs? Am I being too old school?

—Trying to Understand

Report Reply to Post

Re: These letters always have me asking more questions than having an answer.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Have you......talked to YOUR children to ask what's up??? 

    I'm sure you were the perfect parent and any issues on child rearing are the results of your children in law but...just pick up the phone and talk to your own offspring and ask. 
    Report Reply
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    oh god, this is my future with MIL. 

    I admit i grew up in a family where birthdays/anniversaries/etc were honestly just not a big deal. We would do dinner and get a gift maybe, but nothing over the top. I don't I even remember it's my birthday most of the time so I truly truly do not understand this level of obsession with being recognized. 

    If LW wants to give gifts, do it, but don't attach strings. If you don't want to give gifts, dont. 
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    Have you......talked to YOUR children to ask what's up??? 

    I'm sure you were the perfect parent and any issues on child rearing are the results of your children in law but...just pick up the phone and talk to your own offspring and ask. 
    THIS!  If your daughter calls you on your birthday, why can't you tell her you'd love to hear from Susie or Billy?  If your own kids don't call...then why are you expecting your grandkids to do so?? 
    Report Reply
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2024
    My mother drilled thank you cards into me.  If I didn't do them, there was probably a punishment waiting, AND I still had to do them. 

    I get it, I really do.  I love getting any cards, and thank you cards are lovely.  But the ones that have meant something to me are things like the thank you cards I got for doing something extra for someone, a thank you card I got from an organization who was impressed with how I had them recognized/ran something, etc.  The ones I enjoyed writing have been to friends who got me a really throughtful gift or did something lovely for me that was above and beyond what was required.  Not just automatically attached to getting/giving a gift.

    Just the "required thank you card for a gift" like from a wedding, just gets thrown in the trash and I don't want to write them anymore either.

    So, IDK where I fall on this or what is the answer.  But I think, and hope, the expectation of gift = thank you card is kinda dying out.  We live in a society with cell phones and instant communication now, it should be reserved for something special and signficant to the party involved.  Not just sheer recognition for the giver.
    �
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What I DO think is that the LW can bring up the following to her own kids:

    "I do not want to lecture them but I haven't heard if they received the gift I gave.  Do you know if they got it?  Do they like it?  I'd love a call to know what they think."

    And a heartfelt comment about how she's lonely and misses the family and while she does not want STUFF, she'd love a phone call on the holidays. 

    The difference here is that the LW needs to acknowledge that as you age, you can find that you are alone more and maybe wishing for more family contact.  Phrasing it that way goes far better IMO than questioning the etiquette and ethics of your children's offspring.   Also - I obviously have NO experience with this but ::Cough::MIL::Cough:: when you tell your grandkids how they need to be it goes over like a fart in church especially when the grandkids have parents perfectly capable of parenting. 
    Report Reply
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    VarunaTT said:
    My mother drilled thank you cards into me.  If I didn't do them, there was probably a punishment waiting, AND I still had to do them. 

    I get it, I really do.  I love getting any cards, and thank you cards are lovely.  But the ones that have meant something to me are things like the thank you cards I got for doing something extra for someone, a thank you card I got from an organization who was impressed with how I had them recognized/ran something, etc.  The ones I enjoyed writing have been to friends who got me a really throughtful gift or did something lovely for me that was above and beyond what was required.  Not just automatically attached to getting/giving a gift.

    Just the "required thank you card for a gift" like from a wedding, just gets thrown in the trash and I don't want to write them anymore either.

    So, IDK where I fall on this or what is the answer.  But I think, and hope, the expectation of gift = thank you card is kinda dying out.  We live in a society with cell phones and instant communication now, it should be reserved for something special and signficant to the party involved.  Not just sheer recognition for the giver.
    I totally read this less as "they don't thank me" but more "I do this for them and they don't do it for me". More of a tit-for-tat recognition of birthdays. 

    But I agree with you about thank you's!
    Report Reply
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    @Casadena Ooo, I totally misread this letter!!


    �
    Report Reply
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Stop giving them money once they graduate since they don’t seem to appreciate and it makes you resent them. 
    Report Reply
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The LW isn't complaining that she doesn't get thank you notes - which I still firmly believe in but that she isn't acknowledged on her birthday or holidays. I get it because I could've written this. Until recently, none of my children acknowledge my birthday. DD has started doing so and I think it is a result of SIL being from a family that sends cards. I always acknowledge birthdays because that was how I was raised. I have no idea why my kids don't do so. I don't mention it to them because it seems like I'm being picky.
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I called my grandmother today and she didn't answer the phone and I got offended. Excuse me your first grandchild is calling. lol. 

    But in all seriousness, why isn't this a conversation with her kids. "Hey, I love everyone, but I would appreciate some calls or texts occasionally. Sometimes I feel unappreciated and would love to hear from them once in awhile." 

    I also need more information. Is this a manipulative and martyr type of mother/grandmother? Is this as straightforward as the letter is trying to pretend? As the grandchild of a diagnosed narcissistic grandmother I can tell you that nothing we ever did with communication was enough. 
    Right - need more info here.  I had a martyr and a cool grandma who loved my tattoo.  If grandma the tattoo lover told me she'd love me to call her more often, I'd take it to heart. 
    Report Reply
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have to wonder about the relationship as a whole too. It's not a generational thing. My sister and I are much older than all of the cousins on my mom's side; the cousins are all in their 20s now, so similar to these kids. They call grandma on her birthday. And on holidays. And on random Sunday afternoons. Because she's a good person and we all like her and genuinely want to talk to her. 
    Report Reply
  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Casadena said:
    oh god, this is my future with MIL. 

    I admit i grew up in a family where birthdays/anniversaries/etc were honestly just not a big deal. We would do dinner and get a gift maybe, but nothing over the top. I don't I even remember it's my birthday most of the time so I truly truly do not understand this level of obsession with being recognized. 

    If LW wants to give gifts, do it, but don't attach strings. If you don't want to give gifts, dont. 
    This is me. Especially for the adults in the family. I don't get people making a huge deal out of their birthdays as an adult. I don't judge it - sure, celebrate and have fun - I just don't get it, and most of the time I don't feel the need to play into it. I am usually not going to make it a priority to attend someone's 40th birthday party unless we're really close, and I'm certainly neither throwing or expecting one for myself.

    If the grandkids are close with LW here, she just needs to use her words about how she'd love to hear from them on her birthday and it would make her feel appreciated. If they're truly close, they'll probably try to make it a priority for her sake. But otherwise they just may not know.
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards