Dear Prudence,
Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.
Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.
—Parentally Insecure