Wedding Woes

I have questions regarding why you're like this or think this way.

Dear Prudence,

Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.

Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.

—Parentally Insecure

Re: I have questions regarding why you're like this or think this way.

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.

    Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.

    —Parentally Insecure

    You are wrong.

    Also, "sure of paternity"?  There has got to be some trauma that LW is talking around in this really long circular letter.  Go to therapy for all of it.
  • Really??  

    It's because the implication is that you weren't there for the conception and have reasons not to trust.  

    Also, yes YATA.  You want to gaslight and sow seeds of doubt and what does that accomplish?? 

    I don't know what I would do if DH asked for a paternity test but I can tell you my reaction would be assuredly full of anger.  
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2024
    LW, you're lying when you say you don't keep secrets from your partner.  This is a huge, likely deal-breaker ideology that you're harboring.  I'd hope you'd have this conversation with them BEFORE they ever get pregnant.  
     
    This LW gives zero room for the reader to provide him any empathy.  He sounds so paranoid and devoid of faith or trust in his partner and tries to hide behind 'studies' and slim (1-3%) chances.  No bro.  

    I guess the only way to be 100% is to do IUI or IVF where his sample is provided and used clinically.  But if you've seen documentaries or the few explosive news articles that have come out in recent years about fertility doctors and clinics,  that may not be an airtight solution. 

    Also, the kid is yours...then what?  I have questions about how someone with this kind of fixation that belies other issues would parent a child.  It's kind of a scary rabbit hole. 

  • Also, I'm kind of laughing, b/c you know this dude is still single.  B/c "asked well in advance of pregnancy and gently" seems to me a pretty big red flag for literally every uterus owner I know.  If someone brought this up to me in a date, I'd be like, Hey...Imma leave now.  :smiley:
  • If you hate women, don’t marry them. 
  • I'd be offended, agree to the test, and then immediately peace out of the relationship. I can't even entertain his bull shit reasoning. 
  • VarunaTT said:
    Also, I'm kind of laughing, b/c you know this dude is still single.  B/c "asked well in advance of pregnancy and gently" seems to me a pretty big red flag for literally every uterus owner I know.  If someone brought this up to me in a date, I'd be like, Hey...Imma leave now.  :smiley:
    Right? The first sentence alone had me picturing a fedora. 


    image
  • I'm trying to imagine what I would say to a friend who had just birthed a baby and their partner did this and I can't.  I'm pretty sure my face would look like it does right now and I'd just be blinking at them.  This poor woman...you know those "podcasts and videos" made her realize she was married to someone she didn't know at all.

    If I had a friend who was the partner? After I blinked at them, I'd probably yell, tell them were weren't friends, and go be that birthing person's BFF, crawling on my knees for forgiveness about being so effin' wrong about someone.

    I don't even understand the point of monogamy if you're going to do this.  Or trust or being married, or.....just any of it.
  • "I don't think you've been unfaithful but I need the biological proof that I should trust you because the reality is that I don't have enough faith in you to stay faithful."  Be true - that's what you mean.

    In the same way what else do people do?  Tell their partner you want to see their bank statements because you aren't sure they're not stealing?  Prove that you didn't burn the house down when a spouse is out of town?  Send GPS tracking that you really went to work that day??    

    As you said @VarunaTT relationships are built on trust. And this guy essentially said, "I needed tangible proof that you were trustworthy."  And that's a sign that you're suspicious.  

    Furthermore, even if she WAS unfaithful, you completely did not get how little you did.  So not only were you a suspicious AHOLE but you were a suspicious LAZY AHOLE who only stepped up to help with the work required and needed by an infant and it's postpartum mother when you had stake in the game.  

    Congratulations - dude proves that he will only do something when there's proof that there's something in it for him.  If he doesn't see how horrible of a human being he is I hope his STBX wife ensures that the kid grows up to be nothing like dear old dad. 
  • I'm going to boil down both letters.

    "I don't understand why my wife/partner is upset that I accused them of cheating on me.  Even though I know there has been zero evidence that they have been nothing but faithful."

    It's sad there are people that are actually this stupid in the world.  I'm not even talking about the stupidity of asking for a DNA test.  I'm talking about that they don't even understand WHY their SO would be mad and upset.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mrsconn23 said:

    Stop listening to Joe Rogan you dumb fuck. 
  • It was so wild when I saw this on Twitter the other day since I'd just posted this letter.  It's giving incel culture for sure.  Ugh.  
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