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It's OK to say, "I don't want to talk about it."

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My mother and I have a complicated relationship, for reasons that aren’t worth getting into. As a result, I’m not as close with her as my siblings are (to their credit, they recognize and understand the reasons for this). I’ve managed to forge a “call her weekly, see her annually” relationship with her, largely by accepting that she will never acknowledge her part in why we’re not closer. Lately though, she’s been experiencing serious health issues that may indicate the end is near, and … I’m ok with that. My wife has gently asked if I want to spend more time with her before the end, and I’ve told her that I’m fine with things as they are.

What I’m finding harder to navigate is how to talk to friends and coworkers. If things become imminent, I would like to let my boss and coworkers know that I’ll need time off soon (I work in a very collaborative field where an unexpected absence will definitely impact others). But when the time comes, I plan to attend her funeral and then go back to work the next day and just get on with life, which I know is going to shock a lot of people. That said, I’m still going to have emotions around it, and I’d rather not even have to explain things as much as I have here. What can I say to them to acknowledge that they would not/could not do the same if one of their family passed, but that my relationship with her and my feelings about her passing are my own?

—Not that Broken Up

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Re: It's OK to say, "I don't want to talk about it."

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    levioosalevioosa member
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    However you're feeling is okay. I wouldn't borrow trouble though. First of all, you have no idea how you will feel when she passes. You may feel numb, or happy the struggle is over, or you may feel unexpectedly devastated and be confused why. Cross that bridge when you come to it. And what is wrong with telling a little white lie, "I actually feel better at work, it's helping distract me." You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, but that might help stave off some of the questions. 


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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    You do not owe your coworkers an in-depth explanation of anything in your personal life. If they offer condolences when your mother dies, thank them without further commentary. If they ask a lot of questions or try to get you to talk about your feelings, politely let them know that you'd prefer not to discuss it further and feel it's best that you get back to work and your normal routine. And I would say the same goes even if you find yourself needing more time off at your mother's passing than you think you will. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I've never had a workplace give me more than 3 days of bereavement time anyway.  Assuming the LW's does also, then heck take the full bereavement time.  They can do whatever they want with the extra time off and I doubt anyone will side-eye them when they return to work.  People inherently understand going back to work so you don't lose vacation time or pay.
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    People grieve in different ways.  That's the only explanation anyone needs.

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