Dear Prudence,
All my life, my mother has considered herself a wonderful “problem solver”—which, in my experience, has frequently led to her meddling excessively in my life. Conversations about various frustrations I was experiencing inevitably turned into her stepping in and taking action. (She once had an expensive chair delivered to my office after I complained that my department head was dragging his feet on making our workspaces ergonomic; she also once told my now ex-husband that she and my dad were eager for him to propose.) As a result, for quite a few years, I have avoided talking to her about any specifics in my life that would give her room to step in.
I have been divorced for a few years (a decision that she was very unhappy with) and, about six months ago, began dating someone whom I like a lot. I’ve met his family, but I find myself dreading introducing him to my mother because I’m worried that given an inch of access to my life, she’ll take a mile. However, I’m worried that if I warn him she’s prone to over-involving herself or instruct her not to talk to him about marriage, I’ll come off looking crazy. Do I just let this play out and see how it goes, or do I “problem-solve” before she does?
—Don’t Solve My Problems