Dear Prudence,
I am in my first relationship ever at 29 and I am so in love with my kind, curious, and communicative partner. We’re six months in and we’re very serious about each other, and often say how easy it is to imagine the future together. I’m shocked by my luck and feel so glad to have found this wonderful person to love. I am also contending with a lot of anxieties about being in my first relationship (I’m talking first date and first everything).
My partner has dated a good handful of people and obviously has a lot more experience with relationships than me. I catch myself worrying about whether they’re harboring resentments toward me, whether I’m a good partner, whether I am emotionally capable of being a good partner, and whether I can maintain a relationship long-term. I have OCD, and because of that, I try to compare my worries against reality. And in reality, I am told daily that I am a good partner, a good lover, a lovable person, and a warm presence in my partner’s life. I say the same to my partner because it’s all true.
And yet these worries persist! We talk through our needs, our preferences, our dreams, our philosophies but I’ve realized recently we haven’t talked about our fears very much. I’m wondering: How can I approach a conversation where I lay out my anxieties around being in my first relationship without making it seem like I don’t want to be in this relationship? And what do you think I could say to mitigate the reassurance they’re likely to give me? I am trying not to indulge in compulsive reassurance-seeking, but I do feel like it’s worthwhile for them to know that I get anxious about a huge, new facet of my life. I also want to know what their fears around being in a relationship with me might be! Any help with sensitive phrasing would be very appreciated.
—Learning to Love