Dear Prudence,
My recently married friend “Lisa” has confided in me that she and her husband “Luke” are struggling sexually. They waited for marriage to have sex (which I am also doing, for many personal reasons), and now Luke has come out as bisexual and asexual (though not aromantic). This has devastated my friend Lisa, as she feels he does not desire her sexually. Lisa confided in me that she feels shame when others question whether Luke is actually gay and he just doesn’t want to have sex with her for that reason. (We have all grown up together in a religious environment, though we as friends are supportive of the gay community.) She was supportive of him coming out as bi, but now that he is also asexual, she doesn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know how to console her, as I am so sexually inexperienced.
My issue here is that I think I might also be asexual. Seeing my friends suffer as they waited for marriage to have sex, only for it not to turn out the way they thought it would, has given me major doubts about how I should be approaching potential future partners. Lisa said if she had known Luke was asexual, she might not have wanted to get married to him. I don’t want to put my future partner in the same position that my friend Lisa now finds herself in. I don’t want to have sex before marriage, but I don’t know how else to discover for myself whether I really am asexual.
So my question here is threefold: 1) How can I best support Lisa here, 2) How can I discover more about my own potential asexuality without actually having sex, and 3) How can I approach potential future partners without putting them in Lisa’s same position down the line?
—Everything’s Coming Up Aces