Wedding Woes

This ::waves hand:: is all toxic.

Dear Prudence,

My daughter has threatened to leave her marriage three times in the past four years. Her husband is a slob and acts like a second child (they have a 4-year-old). The last time this happened, I paid for her to talk to a divorce lawyer and we talked about her and her son moving in with me. Then my daughter turned around and said they were going to make it work. And that they were trying for another baby! I told my daughter she was making a huge mistake. Babies don’t fix people. She is already stressed out caring for her son basically by herself. I also warned her I would be moving sooner rather than later. I was tired of snow and my sisters needed help caring for our parents.

My daughter didn’t talk to me for two weeks. I apologized and apologized and apologized. I thought everything was better between us until now. My sister had a stroke and can no longer care for our parents. I am selling my house to move in with them. When I told my daughter, she exploded in anger, saying I was abandoning her and her children. She is pregnant again and it turns out her husband got someone else pregnant, too. I am completely floored by this and I don’t know what to do. I am in the process of putting my house on the market. I can’t afford two houses or to constantly be traveling between here and there. I don’t know what to do. Help!

—In a Bind

Re: This ::waves hand:: is all toxic.

  • You sound mad she didn’t take your advice before, which you can be but it’s hard to leave a relationship especially when there are small children involved. You tried to threaten her into leaving and that’s never okay. 

    You have a right to sell your house and move to help your mother. Your daughter can have whatever feelings she does about this. She’s clearly in a tough situation and was likely counting on your help but just because she was doesn’t mean you have to do it. 

    Basically- this is all bad. Make the best decision you can in a bad situation. Maybe offer to have her move to Florida with you? 
  • Even though she's your daughter, she's a full realized adult that can make her own decisions.  You treated her like a child when she didn't do what you wanted her to do.  Take it as a lesson learned.  

    Move to help your sister/parents.  Leave the door open for your daughter, but your wallet closed and mouth shut about her life decisions.  
  • levioosa said:
    I guess I'm in the minority here. I don't think LW did all that much wrong. Daughter came crying to him that she wanted a divorce. He helped. She did a 180 and made an objectively terrible decision and LW was right--babies don't fix marriages. LW was upfront about needing to move soon. Now he's moving, daughter is in an even bigger bind, and he's not obligated to support her or keep two homes he can't afford. 
    I agree. The daughter asked for help, LW provided that. I also agree saying babies don't fix marriages wasn't out of line. I would probably do the same thing with any one of my kids. However, I wouldn't change plans to move and help take care of my aging parents (assuming I could do so).
  • It's a really sad situation for the daughter, but she's a grown adult who chose to have two more children, even though she was already overwhelmed and had a rocky marriage.  As well as being fully warned that the LW was moving away in the relatively near future and couldn't be relied on for future childcare help.

    Bottom line, the LW's parents and possibly sister need them more than the daughter does.  Plus the LW wants to move to a warmer climate anyway.  
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I guess I'm in the minority here. I don't think LW did all that much wrong. Daughter came crying to him that she wanted a divorce. He helped. She did a 180 and made an objectively terrible decision and LW was right--babies don't fix marriages. LW was upfront about needing to move soon. Now he's moving, daughter is in an even bigger bind, and he's not obligated to support her or keep two homes he can't afford. 
    I read LW as a mom writing in, not sure why.  But otherwise agree 100%
  • levioosalevioosa member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ei34 said:
    levioosa said:
    I guess I'm in the minority here. I don't think LW did all that much wrong. Daughter came crying to him that she wanted a divorce. He helped. She did a 180 and made an objectively terrible decision and LW was right--babies don't fix marriages. LW was upfront about needing to move soon. Now he's moving, daughter is in an even bigger bind, and he's not obligated to support her or keep two homes he can't afford. 
    I read LW as a mom writing in, not sure why.  But otherwise agree 100%
    I have no excuse for this but for some reason I pictured a man shoveling snow. But yeah, a mom writing all of this makes a lot of sense. 


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