Dear Prudence,
In December 2023, my best friend of 20 years died of cancer. He was diagnosed one year before his death, and in 12 months went from a healthy 39-year-old to being in a wheelchair, before he passed away. I work as a prosecutor, which is a government job. My problem is with my workplace supervisor. In the more than three months since my friend’s passing, my supervisor has not acknowledged his death to me, even though she knew how close we were, and that I was supporting him through his decline in health. She did not call me to pass on her condolences, ask me what I needed, how I was doing, or if I needed time off.
To make things even worse, while I was planning my friend’s memorial there was a recruitment exercise at my work, where I would have had the opportunity to apply to be made permanent (I am currently on a contract despite having worked in the same role for two years). My supervisor did nothing to arrange an extension for me. When I tried to raise my disappointment about this with her, she told me I was hurting her feelings and being unprofessional. Despite my grief, I have continued to work through this time and my work quality has not suffered. Now it feels like I am being punished by my supervisor for not wanting to be “friends” and acting like everything between us is OK. Prudie, I love my job, but I cannot forgive my supervisor for not being there when I needed a supportive manager. Most of the time I cannot believe what I am experiencing, the lack of compassion is astounding to me. Am I right to feel this letdown? I feel like I need to get away from this person as quickly as possible, but I worry it will damage my career. I have tried to raise my concerns with management and HR but neither have been supportive. Prudie, what should I do?
—Unable to Forgive