Dear Prudence,
I (37F) have a dilemma. My husband (52M) “Harry” and I have been married for nearly 10 years, with three young children. We have multiple businesses and houses together, we go on dates regularly, we’ve traveled extensively with our kids, and I would consider ours to be a happy marriage. Candidly, our relationship began in the shadows, as he was still legally married to his first wife—“Linda” (54F)—though it was in the process of divorce for quite some time before we met. He has two children in their 20s with Linda, one of whom has special needs and is in a post-high school program (in our very good school district), so she is dropped off daily by her mother to take the bus.
Linda and Harry regularly communicate regarding their daughter’s schedule, etc., so it’s not unusual for her name to pop up on his phone. I am generally not a jealous person, but with Linda, I sometimes let “first wife insecurity” creep in—my husband does a lot for her at her house (i.e. fixing stuff, checking on her car, etc.), still pays many bills for her, drives her to the airport, etc. He also regularly takes our children to visit their older sisters at Linda’s house, often for hours at a time. Sometimes it feels excessive, or beyond what I would consider a normal and amicable divorce situation. When I’ve addressed my insecurities with Harry to try to talk through my feelings, it’s not gone well—he gets defensive and says that it’s the least he could do after divorcing her. Linda did not want the divorce; she begged him to stay, and before our wedding, Linda told Harry that it “wasn’t too late to come back.” My husband has been adamant in the past that he respects Linda but there is nothing romantic between them whatsoever. So, the Linda Topic is a difficult one to broach.
Recently, my husband left his phone on the counter with his texts up and I saw Linda right at the top, lots of emojis in the message (from her, not him). While I have literally never gone through his phone ever before, jealousy got the best of me and I snooped.
I scrolled through a few weeks’ worth of correspondences, most of which were related to their daughter but some were banter with things like Linda saying she needed to cook for him soon as a thank you for something he had done for her recently, Harry teasing her about how she looks in the morning, etc. I went cold. Is this just familiar chatting between people who have known each other for 30-plus years? Is this more? Even reading back what I’ve written, it feels obvious to my spiraling mind that there is a red flag.
I don’t know what to do. Should I confess that I snooped and ask him about the texts? Am I being paranoid? I love my husband, I love our family, and I don’t want to cause unnecessary strife if I’m overreacting. Even if nothing is going on, I feel like there need to be better boundaries with his ex-wife, and I don’t know how to address that. Please help!
–Second Wife, Second Fiddle?