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...But he is keeping a roof over your head?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband (39M) and I (39F) have been married for nearly 10 years. We have a 4-year-old daughter together. I wrote a graphic novel that will be published soon. I paid a friend of mine to illustrate it and another person to do the lettering with my own money—my husband did not contribute financially and I did not ask him to. I am also finishing my final semester of graduate school—again, my husband did not contribute to this financially and I did not ask him to. I am currently working part-time and we’re juggling childcare and household responsibilities.

I am excited about my graphic novel being published soon. My husband and I were talking about it, and he mentioned being a “silent investor” in it. When I asked him what he meant by that, he told me that he had contributed. I reminded him that I paid for the artist and letterer and that I never once asked him for money. He responded with a flippant, “Well, I keep a roof over your head.” This absolutely floored me. He made it seem like he was single-handedly funding a silly pipedream instead of something I’ve been working hard on for longer than we’ve been married.

He apologized and tried to backpedal, but I’m still angry with him. It feels like he belittled something important to me, and it made me wonder if he also views my completing grad school this way. It’s true that I’m not making a lot of money right now, but I’ve been applying for jobs and have an appointment with my school’s career center. I’m on track to graduate cum laude, I’m almost a published author, and my husband seems to think that he’s funding those projects (again, I never asked him for money for either of these things). Should I ignore his comment or do we need to have another discussion about it? My entire life I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive and that I need to lighten up, but I can’t help but feel deeply insulted by his remark.

–The Not-So-Silent Investor

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Re: ...But he is keeping a roof over your head?

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm curious how your living was sustained while working on this.  H is out of line with a comment like that but LW is also totally out of touch if they had no source of employment while doing this.  Would they be able to finance the publication, pay the mortgage, electric and put food on the table and keep health insurance?  Those aren't insignificant and looking at them as if he played no role here is head in the sand. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2024
    Exactly @banana468.  LW's all, "he didn't pay for my book or my schooling."  OK, but was all of your income going to those things?  If it was and he was paying for all the household expenses without you to pay for the mortgage, he *was* keeping a roof over your head.  

    In my mind's eye, I can totally see a scenario where they were bantering about the book and he said, "Yes, so exciting and let's just call me a 'silent investor'!" and LW was off to the races.  He tried to explain, stuck his foot in it further, and now LW is writing to Prudie because they've spiraled out after numerous apologies. 

    Is LW grateful that they have a supportive spouse that allowed them to go to grad school and write a self-financed book that all of their part-time job money went to?  I know so many people who would kill for that kind of set up.  

    It's OK to be proud of an accomplishment, but it's also OK for him to want some acknowledgement of the support he gave so you could get there. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Exactly!  There's a way to phrase it and a way to have a total misunderstanding.

    In an opposite way, MIL tried to say that years ago in the 80s she was basically a single parent because she was doing all of the childcare while FIL was working.  And I looked at her like she had 8 heads and told her quite frankly that no...she was NOT.  Instead of saying that she and FIL split the workload so that he was out of the house for nearly all of their waking hours working long shifts while she was tasked with nearly all the child rearing duties, she completely ignored that his working out of the house for all of those hours PAID for the house and their expenses.  And a single parent is doing both the child rearing AND is employed.  

    Point being - workload of all kinds should not be ignored when there are two adults that may be siloed in their output but still have a common goal. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    H paid for housing, utilities, and groceries when I was in grad school. Sure I handled my own phone bill, insurance, etc, but the reality is he covered a huge amount of stuff. And that did keep us from moving forward with a more optimal move, traveling, etc. It was hard on us and hard on him. If LW can't acknowledge how rough it is, then she needs to do some internal work too. 


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    The LW sucks way more in this situation than the H does.  They're H made an awkward/weird comment.  So now they're mad their H isn't giving them enough credit for writing the novel and paying for it.  Yet then they are the one completely discounting and not giving their H credit that he has supported them this whole time!

    I'm going to take a good guess the LW isn't going to graduate school for Finance or Economics.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Okay but did she stay home and raise the 4-year old while also in school too? Sure he kept a roof over her head but did she also “save” him a daycare bill? 

    I think it’s definitely a weird comment to make unprompted. And what does he want as a silent investor, a cut of the minimal profits she’s likely to earn? It sounds like there’s more to it; does he feel like his contributions in the house/marriage aren’t acknowledged? Does he have feelings about being the only financial contributor? Joking about “keeping a roof over your head” doesn’t feel like something someone in a healthy partnership should do. I
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Okay but did she stay home and raise the 4-year old while also in school too? Sure he kept a roof over her head but did she also “save” him a daycare bill? 

    I think it’s definitely a weird comment to make unprompted. And what does he want as a silent investor, a cut of the minimal profits she’s likely to earn? It sounds like there’s more to it; does he feel like his contributions in the house/marriage aren’t acknowledged? Does he have feelings about being the only financial contributor? Joking about “keeping a roof over your head” doesn’t feel like something someone in a healthy partnership should do. I
    This is what I'm thinking, too. My BIL makes a lot of jokes to SIL about this kind of thing because she is a SAHM. Just under the surface, there is a whole box of resentment that they aren't addressing.

    I think this is a lot deeper than one comment, and it would probably make a difference if we knew more about the division of labor and finances here. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    Okay but did she stay home and raise the 4-year old while also in school too? Sure he kept a roof over her head but did she also “save” him a daycare bill? 

    I think it’s definitely a weird comment to make unprompted. And what does he want as a silent investor, a cut of the minimal profits she’s likely to earn? It sounds like there’s more to it; does he feel like his contributions in the house/marriage aren’t acknowledged? Does he have feelings about being the only financial contributor? Joking about “keeping a roof over your head” doesn’t feel like something someone in a healthy partnership should do. I
    This is what I'm thinking, too. My BIL makes a lot of jokes to SIL about this kind of thing because she is a SAHM. Just under the surface, there is a whole box of resentment that they aren't addressing.

    I think this is a lot deeper than one comment, and it would probably make a difference if we knew more about the division of labor and finances here. 
    I agree that there may be something deeper, but LW says they've been told they're too sensitive 'all their life', so that's why I wonder if the truth is somewhere towards the middle.  I think it was a rude comment, but it all depends on the tone and tenor of the conversation they were having.  If it came out of nowhere, then yes, huge red flag of an underlying problem. 

    I don't love people being labeled as 'too sensitive' because it's hard to be an empathetic and feeling person in this world, but at the same time...I do feel like it's something people say to people when they want to make an internal problem or their feelings someone else's problem or if someone analyzes every word or action of other people and somehow sees it as that person doing something against them.  I guess, my question for LW is, 'did you ask him why he said it?' 

    Another letter where I'd love to see the other person's perspective.  At face value, I see both people's side of this 'problem' and it all comes down to how they were communicating over this issue and handle other things in their life and relationship. 

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