Dear Prudence,
The husband of one of my in-laws was convicted of a serious crime several years ago. He sexually assaulted an underage teen over whom he was in a position of authority, and showed very little remorse when he was finally arrested and brought to trial. He says it was consensual and that it was “a different time.” My in-law knew nothing about any of this until the husband was unexpectedly arrested (they met and married several years after the crime) and goes along with his version of events. They’ve been visiting him in jail for years.
Needless to say, I am completely horrified and sickened, both by what he did and his attitude. I can’t really fathom why my in-law decided to stick with him; but that’s their choice. We don’t really talk about him whenever we meet; I firmly believe he belongs in jail. To be honest and extremely uncharitable, I kind of hoped he wouldn’t survive the pandemic, because it would have meant this situation wouldn’t have arisen.
Here’s the problem: He is due to be released before too long. When this happens, my kid will be around the age of the person he assaulted. My kid has no memory of his man, as he went to jail when they were very young. Just the memory of him holding my kid as a toddler makes me feel sick, although I’ve no reason to believe he tried anything or was interested in young children. What do I say when my in-law suddenly has a husband, after several years of living alone? I never want to be in the same room as this man ever again, never mind my kid. But I don’t think it’s going to be possible to keep this a secret forever. I hate the idea of having this kind of skeleton in the closet that they could accidently find later, and I don’t like lying to them. My kid loves their relationship their relationship with this relative, who is a lovely person apart from their entirely terrible taste in men. How do I explain to my child that this kind, intelligent person can excuse their partner’s crime and stand by him? And how do I make it clear that we are never going to be under the same roof as him after he is released.
—This Kind of Thing Never Happens to Your Family Until It Does