Dear Prudence,
I got divorced when my two kids were in high school, after I finished my degree. It was very horrible because my ex was an excellent narcissistic liar and could sell snow to a snowman. He had multiple affairs over our entire marriage but made me out to be the bad guy. (I was, according to him, sleeping with my boss, my teacher, or the manager at the mini-mart.) My kids swallowed up everything and nothing I could say or do would change their mind. I thought distance and college would wake them up. Instead they got worse.
In the meantime, I found “Ben.” He is kind, quiet, and so good to me. My ex had been diagnosed with cancer and his girlfriend left him, so for me to be happy was an offense to the universe. The first holiday I spent with Ben and the kids, they left early because they were so disgusted with us since their dad was left all alone by me. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried myself sick after that. And that has been the holding pattern for the last six years. A cycle of thaw and freeze depending on the fortunes of my ex. Ben and I have moved in together. He wants to marry me and I want to marry him. The thought of a wedding without my children makes me want to vomit, but part of me resents playing this role. I am tired of these strings.
To add to the situation, my daughter has been engaged for three years. COVID killed her wedding, and it is planned for the new year. I got a plus one but she doesn’t want Ben to come. It would “hurt” her dad, and she wants both of us to play our parts. I protested that Ben and I had been together for many years, and he could just sit with my sister and her husband. My sister snapped that this was a line I shouldn’t cross and told me to just go alone, because my was bitter after another failed relationship and venture loss.
I am tired. I have done my best and it wasn’t enough. Ben has offered to come with me for moral support, but I am honestly thinking of bowing out on everything but the ceremony and reception. Work has been difficult and I have health issues. The money I gave for the wedding is gone. My daughter wants more since her father has suffered misfortune. Do I just give up?
—Wedding Blues