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This is for your H to handle. Have you told him how you feel?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I live in Florida. My father-in-law is in Toronto. Since we married, my FIL finds it necessary to make a minimum of three trips a year to see us. Unfortunately, he is cantankerous and grumpy, as well as demanding. He essentially invites himself to our home by emailing us the question, “Are these dates OK?” I can’t find a way to tell him no but it’s too much. How can I get around this without hurting his feelings?

—Have Had Just About All I Can Take

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Re: This is for your H to handle. Have you told him how you feel?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes your H needs to handle this after the two of you talk about this. I look at this from the other view. H and I lived far away from both of our parents. We saw my parents two or three times a year with one of those times us going there. I can count on one hand how many times my in laws came here to see us in 30 plus years (we went there at least once a year). So I would have loved to have had them visit at least once or twice a year so my kids could've gotten to know their grandparents better.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He is asking, he’s not just showing up. When he’s asks “are these dates okay?” your husband can say no. 

    Three times a year doesn’t seem like that much but if it’s too much for you it’s time to talk to your husband. Maybe FIL doesn’t stay with you each time? Maybe you make plans during those days so you’re not with him the entire time. There’s got to be a compromise where your husband can see his dad and you aren’t subjected to his crankiness. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your H needs to respond. He probably needs to call and let his dad know that you all aren't able to host as frequently as you have in the past, and then reply to emails and tell him those dates don't work. 

    Maybe others would have preferred to host their own parents or in-laws more often, but this FIL is difficult and imposing, and LW should not be forced to put up with it so frequently. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    charlotte989875 said:
    He is asking, he’s not just showing up. When he’s asks “are these dates okay?” your husband can say no. 

    Three times a year doesn’t seem like that much but if it’s too much for you it’s time to talk to your husband. Maybe FIL doesn’t stay with you each time? Maybe you make plans during those days so you’re not with him the entire time. There’s got to be a compromise where your husband can see his dad and you aren’t subjected to his crankiness. 
    This is why I love this group!  We sometimes have different POVs and it's all valid, lol.

    I would hate, even a family member I liked, visiting me 3x/year.  That is way too much for me!  Though only if each visit is at least a week and they are also staying at my house.  Which is what I am assuming is happening with the LW.

    The LW doesn't mention how their H feels about it.  The H is the best one to ask for the best tactic to cut down on visits and not hurt the FIL's feelings.  Then he can reply back to his own father.
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