Dear Prudence,
Do you think it’s fair to put my future husband in charge of his kid’s needs unless they have a relationship with me? I am engaged, but my fiancé and I have decided to wait to get married until his kids are in college, which will be a couple years. I’ve been reading this column long enough to know how stepmother’s often get saddled with taking care of stepkids that treat them horribly. My fiancé’s kids are polite, but a bit distant. I am completely fine with that arrangement. They have a great mom, and I don’t plan on trying to replace her.
The big issue I’m worried about is that my fiancé and I are planning on buying a new house together once we are married. I am adamant that this is our space. Currently, his wife has primary custody in large part due to the fact that she lived in a much better school district. They each have rooms at her mother’s house and the oldest stays there when he is back from college. Their father has always been very present, but has been able to carve out a lot of space for our relationship separate from his children. I’m just not a major part of their life, and I don’t want to be in charge of regular meals or birthday parties or presents, unless they decide to develop a relationship with me. Some of my friends have said that the stipulation for doing things for my future step-kids is particularly callous. I just don’t want them to treat me like crap and expect a motherly experience from me.
I also really want my home to be my home, and I don’t want to have to cater to people that I don’t have a strong relationship with. I have not discussed this with my husband and I am really worried about doing so. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? What is the best way to bring this up to my fiancé?
—Possibly Evil Stepmother