Stop being available to help or go to lunches.

mrsconn23 · May 9

Dear Prudence,

I had to have a hysterectomy at 31 due to severe medical complications after a car accident. I am very lucky to even be alive. Rather than being happy for me, too much of my extended family is “in mourning” for my fertility. I was never big on marriage and kids—and my brush with death just solidified my stance. My brothers both have kids so it isn’t like the family line is in any danger, but my family acts like me never becoming a mom is somehow worse than me dying completely. My grandmother has burst into tears on more than one occasion over the subject while my disabled aunt will not shut up about surrogacy.

I have stated my feelings on the subject and asked them to drop it, but they still persist. The last time I got up and left in the middle of lunch because my grandmother started with the waterworks again. My parents are extremely angry with me over my “rudeness” and blame my grandmother’s behavior on her old age. I am their primary respite caregiver since my grandmother is in her 90s and my aunt can’t live alone. It is taxing enough to take care of them without hearing about how much of a waste of space my life is without children. Can you help?

—Hurt in Huntington

banana468 · May 9

Be clear that YOU have accepted the situation and come to terms with it. They're allowed to have whatever feelings they have but when they react that way it makes you uncomfortable and you FEEL like your worth is being measured solely by your fertility only versus everything else you do including what you provide in terms of care to your family. Let them know that if every encounter is going to involve that discussion there won't be encounters to have.

mrsconn23 · May 9

This annoys me so much. Why aren't LW's parents more supportive? WTF? LW states they almost died and had the hysterectomy because of medical reasons that stemmed from a horrific car accident. Whether or not LW wanted to have kids is neither here nor there at this point.

And surrogacy isn't just like...buying a new car. It's an expensive and very complicated process legally, emotionally, and in a frillion other ways. People just suggesting it like you're going to the baby store to get one is ridiculous, ignorant, and annoying.

This situation emotionally manipulative, bordering on abusive. LW was harangued at a lunch and removed themselves from a scenario that was making them uncomfortable, after they've told these people more than once their fertility is not up for discussion, and they're the rude one? Fuck all the way off.

LW is MORE than justified in telling ALL of these that they are no longer available to provide assistance. I'd be tempted to be like, "Y'all literally don't care that I lived through a harrowing experience and have my life intact. Clearly, I am only a womb to you...not a person." Dramatic? Yes, but no less so than this clown show.

Oh, and LW has a brother, bother him.

banana468 · May 9

@mrsconn23 she has at least TWO brothers!

I think the behavior is awful but at the risk where they are not "getting it" it's why I advised the one last out that you'll do it again. I get that older people are set in their ways but you're absolutely right that enough is enough and LW can stop feeling guilty.

short+sassy · May 9

How long ago was this accident? At least long enough the LW has recovered. I am baffled why people are still bringing it up and even to the point of crying.

If the grandmother has some form of dementia, I could see an excuse for her because she might forget and then it's "brand new" to her that the LW had a hysterectomy. But I'd think the LW would have mentioned that, if it was the case.

I'd be tempted to just screw with the aunt and say, "Surrogacy costs at least $100K*. Do you have that money to give me? No? Then STFU about it."

I was originally just going to throw out a $40K number because that was my very rough guess. But then I did a quick Google search and OMG! Lots of ranges, but most of them started at $100K.

MyNameIsNot · May 9

LW is doing the right thing here. Shutting them down and removing themselves from the situation when they won't stop. She needs to tell her parents to fuck all the way off and distance herself from aunt and grandma. If that means someone else needs to be their care takers, that's their problem.

CharmedPam · May 9

Car accident aside, LW could be childless by choice and doesn’t have to explain that to anyone. I don’t understand other people’s comments on this. I get them myself. Not often, but it happens.

short+sassy · May 9

CharmedPam said:

Car accident aside, LW could be childless by choice and doesn’t have to explain that to anyone. I don’t understand other people’s comments on this. I get them myself. Not often, but it happens.

For sure! I've never gotten a lot of comments either. Which I chalk up to my mom and extended family not being the types to meddle in this way.

But sometimes I have from others.

The person who brought it up the most about me not being a mother was a coworker I barely knew, lol! He left my workplace years ago, but was a really talkative person and asked a lot of questions. when he was here

Including if I had children and "why" I don't, when I told him I didn't. I told him I never felt the need or want to have any, so I didn't. After that, he brought it up a couple times a month. He'd ask me "why" again. Tell me he's so surprised or it's a shame because he thinks I'd be a great mom. Stuff like that. It didn't really bother me, but it was so weird to keep bringing up the same topic of conversation.

CharmedPam · May 9

That could really strike a chord for someone who physically can’t have children @short+sassy, I wish people were more sensitive to that

short+sassy · May 9

CharmedPam said:

That could really strike a chord for someone who physically can’t have children @short+sassy, I wish people were more sensitive to that

I'd think of that also when I got questions like that. It's fine for me because I'm, "Yay! No kids." But fertility problems for other people can be absolutely heartbreaking and very private. Not the fodder for casual conversations with acquaintances.

charlotte989875 · May 9

There’s something particularly cruel about asking the LW to continue to have to talk about what could be a hard thing to have gone through. This family is asking the LW to manage their emotions about what happened to LW and that’s not right.

Not at all the same but whenever J is sick, or his hospital stays (or even the complications with when he was born) come up my mom tears up and gets upset. I hate it because that was all hard for me too- please don’t make me have to be responsible for your feelings about this as well. Mine are enough.

Casadena · May 9

charlotte989875 said:

There’s something particularly cruel about asking the LW to continue to have to talk about what could be a hard thing to have gone through. This family is asking the LW to manage their emotions about what happened to LW and that’s not right.

Not at all the same but whenever J is sick, or his hospital stays (or even the complications with when he was born) come up my mom tears up and gets upset. I hate it because that was all hard for me too- please don’t make me have to be responsible for your feelings about this as well. Mine are enough.

*hugs*. That has been one of the most difficult part of G's medical stuff to manage too. You shouldn't have to console someone else about YOUR child's suffering and I'm so sorry youre dealing with it.

Stop being available to help or go to lunches.

Re: Stop being available to help or go to lunches.

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