Dear Prudence,
My brother, 49, is living a life of quiet desperation when he should be enjoying the fruits of his labor. Like me, he was born into poverty and dysfunction. But with a burst of motivation at 30, and a significant commitment, he managed to put himself into a position of acquiring significant wealth. His means of wealth acquisition—he’s a radiologist—is, as you imagine, quite stressful and he has suffered from that stress already. He had a heart-attack when he was 48. Despite this, he is currently working two jobs as a radiologist. And he gets very little support from his wife, who does not work outside the home and whose children are 19, 17 and 12. She spends her time doing what she wants to do—mostly for herself. She takes frequent trips, while my brother works; cooks sometimes and expects him to clean the kitchen regularly.
For years, one of their many household debates was whether she should fold his laundry. For many of those years, she decided the answer was “No. He’s a grown man and can do it himself.” (I don’t need to remind you that she’s a grown woman but couldn’t support herself or her lifestyle, so, I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.) As such, she’d leave his clothes in a pile on the floor by his bed, while she folded the clothes of every other person in their family. I am going to interject here to say that the person who is earning the paycheck that pays for all those clothes is the only person whose clothes lie in a pile on the floor. She refuses to have sex with him; sobs in anger and frustration when he plays video games. I feel like she has bamboozled him. Seriously. Like she has defrauded him.
And it started the day before their wedding, when he discovered for the first time that she had $30,000 in credit card debt. Before they got married, she told him that she loved sex; but now hates it and cries during the two or three times a year that they finally have it. The standard response to this, of course, is that they should go to counseling. They have. But counseling and discussing her frustrations is the arena in which she is most comfortable. As to my brother, the traits that make him a brilliant doctor also make him a poor communicator. So, as he says, counseling ends up being two-versus-one. He is not adept at handling it, himself, either. He typically bottles up his frustrations for months before losing his temper in a fit of yelling. And just like that, the credibility of his perspective is gone. And she gives him a guilt trip and he typically caves. But he won’t divorce her.
It is heart-breaking. I know my perspective is subjective and not completely accurate—even though everything I said here is accurate. And I know my sister-in-law does have some redeeming qualities. For the most part, though, she is a taker. Take. Take. Take. And she expects more. I want to intervene. I want to write her a letter that says: Please evaluate what you give to your relationship. He dedicated an extreme amount of effort to dramatically improve your quality of life. What have you done to improve his? My wife says I should keep my mouth shut. But every time I think of it, I am sad for him and angry at her.
—On the Sidelines