End it because he's a cowardly liar.

mrsconn23 · May 2024

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I have been going through a rough time, but I thought we were working through it. Recently, I found out that despite saying for a solid decade that he wasn’t really into politics and didn’t vote, he was lying. We got drunk together and he let slip that he’d voted for someone I feel strongly against not once but twice. He says this candidate “isn’t perfect but is more honest than the other guy.”

He plans to vote similarly in the upcoming election. Is it stupid to end my engagement over this? I cannot imagine bringing this candidate’s values into my home, or around future kids! On the other hand, we’ve been friends for 12 years and dating for six. I thought he was the love of my life. He’s still the same man he was before I knew. Is it wrong to leave because of this? He says it’s not that important and that I’m overreacting which is why he didn’t tell me, but I’m mostly shocked.

—Disagreeing

banana468 · May 2024

"I really think that despite agreeing to marry you there are some fundamental differences that make us incompatible in the long term. And you voted for someone with the defense that he is more honest than the other guy while not being honest to me."

short+sassy · May 2024

The LW sounds scary overbearing if merely voting for a different candidate is a dealbreaker for an engagement and 6-year relationship. The fiance is still the same person they've always been and that counts 1000x more than how they vote.

I can see certain issues potentially being a dealbreaker. But since the fiance doesn't talk about politics, it doesn't sound like they have particularly strong views on anything. Is there any candidate who is perfectly in lock-step with any particular person's views? I know I've never come across that. At least for me, it's usually more a choice of "who sucks less".

Though I am laughing at the fiance saying their candidate choice is "more honest", when the very issue is something they've been lying about.

I also think voting should be private, even amongst couples. It's fine if a person chooses to tell their partner if and who they voted for and I think most people do that. But the LW sounds like the kind of person who asks and pressures. Like in days of yore when voting booths were at factories and managers would look over employee's shoulders at who they voted for.

I don't think the LW's fiance should have lied, but I understand why they did. Though this might have been nipped in the bud 6 years ago, if they'd just said, "I keep whether I vote and who I vote for private."

banana468 · May 2024

short+sassy said:

The LW sounds scary overbearing if merely voting for a different candidate is a dealbreaker for an engagement and 6-year relationship. The fiance is still the same person they've always been and that counts 1000x more than how they vote.

I can see certain issues potentially being a dealbreaker. But since the fiance doesn't talk about politics, it doesn't sound like they have particularly strong views on anything. Is there any candidate who is perfectly in lock-step with any particular person's views? I know I've never come across that. At least for me, it's usually more a choice of "who sucks less".

Though I am laughing at the fiance saying their candidate choice is "more honest", when the very issue is something they've been lying about.

I also think voting should be private, even amongst couples. It's fine if a person chooses to tell their partner if and who they voted for and I think most people do that. But the LW sounds like the kind of person who asks and pressures. Like in days of yore when voting booths were at factories and managers would look over employee's shoulders at who they voted for.

I don't think the LW's fiance should have lied, but I understand why they did. Though this might have been nipped in the bud 6 years ago, if they'd just said, "I keep whether I vote and who I vote for private."

I feel so strongly right now that there is no contest between the two main candidates.

I know people who have voted for Trump and the reason I'm not picking fights with them is because I think it's not worth it to do so when they are mostly those related to my H and old. It doesn't mean I have to respect them.

If DH said he was voting for him I would have major issues.

mrsconn23 · May 2024

I think politics is up there with knowing someone's credit score and how much debt they carry. This is a huge lie IMO and I can see how it is leading LW to question everything. What else has he led LW on about? Because he wasn't silent, he was actively telling LW that he didn't vote OR care about politics and it turns out to rather opposite.

banana468 · May 2024

mrsconn23 said:

I think politics is up there with knowing someone's credit score and how much debt they carry. This is a huge lie IMO and I can see how it is leading LW to question everything. What else has he led LW on about? Because he wasn't silent, he was actively telling LW that he didn't vote OR care about politics and it turns out to rather opposite.

Exactly. This isn't someone who voted for him in 2016 and said that he did so for reasons. He lied about it and only under the influence did he come clean.

I also have major issues with the guy who claims someone else was more honest when the FI has lied for years.

short+sassy · May 2024

@banana468, we can surmise the LW is talking about the presidential election. But we really have no idea. It could be any election because a whole bunch of them happen along with the presidential one.

For all we know, the LW is a staunch Republican who hates the Democratic candidate that keeps running for governor.

If it is the presidential election, I also don't think that everybody who votes for Trump has a poor character. But that's basically what the LW is saying.

That this guy they've liked and respected enough to date for 6 years and get engaged to, is now so awful they want to break up with him. Over nothing more than who he voted for, though also lying about it so he didn't incur the LW's wrath.

banana468 · May 2024

short+sassy said:

@banana468, we can surmise the LW is talking about the presidential election. But we really have no idea. It could be any election because a whole bunch of them happen along with the presidential one.

For all we know, the LW is a staunch Republican who hates the Democratic candidate that keeps running for governor.

If it is the presidential election, I also don't think that everybody who votes for Trump has a poor character. But that's basically what the LW is saying.

That this guy they've liked and respected enough to date for 6 years and get engaged to, is now so awful they want to break up with him. Over nothing more than who he voted for.

But that's not true. It's that he lied about his behavior for years and then voted for someone incompatible with the LW's beliefs.

The FI has kept the truth from the LW over his actions. Perhaps that's a small detail to others but to the LW it isn't. And beyond that, the FI appears to not have the same morals and ethics as the LW.

I absolutely think they should talk more. However I think it's a giant red flag to say you're doing one thing and then do the opposite and think the lack of transparency in a relationship that's supposed to end when one of them dies is not a shaky foundation.

short+sassy · May 2024

@banana468, that's fair, he lied also. I also added "though also lying about it so he didn't incur the LW's wrath."

A lie about voting isn't a big deal to me, but if it is to the LW, they should break up with him.

But if politics are that important to them, they should vet the next guy better. Because it's not making a lot of sense to me that if the LW is this political, the two of them have talked so rarely about candidates and issues that they are now this blindsided.

Back in my single days, I occasionally stopped dating someone based on their political/societal views. But I usually figured that out within a month. Not after 12 years of friendship and 6 more years in a relationship.

I still remember one guy. We were just chatting. I hadn't even met him yet. We were talking about each other's schedule and he said Saturday was out because he was going to be protesting in front of an abortion clinic. Ooooohhh nooooo! I told him I was staunchly pro-choice, so didn't think we'd be a good fit. He said he understood and we ended the chat.

I'm not even sure if someone generally being pro-life would be a dealbreaker for me. But the kind of pro-life people who harass women and their medical choices most definitely is.

charlotte989875 · May 2024

I think lying about this is a huge red flag, and that he’s trying to make her seem like she’s overreacting is a problem

Is he going to lie about his views on working v SAH parents? Combing v separate finances? Kids v no kids?

This would be akin to finding out my fiancé didn’t support abortion, or paid family leave, or protections for same sex couples. I understand people have different views from me on those issues but I don’t share my house or my intimate life with them. H and I disagree on policy or how things should be implemented but we don’t disagree on fundamental values.

banana468 · May 2024

Yeah for me it's that the dude created this lie for years and only when intoxicated was it found out.

ei34 · May 2024

banana468 said:

Yeah for me it's that the dude created this lie for years and only when intoxicated was it found out.

I’m here. What else has he / will he lie about?

levioosa · May 2024

Nope nope nope. This is a deal breaker. I would be fucking devastated if I found out H had voted for Trump and then LIED about it. We already almost broke up in 2015/16 because he took the "let's wait and see, he's not going to win and if he gets elected it can't be that bad" approach (he didn't vote for him though) and that was ROUGH on our relationship. Now he's the meme equivalent of "I don't know what I expected" and he's much more politically and socially aware. I could not handle it if he had gone the opposite direction. The two candidates are not the same. The two parties are not the same. Democrats are far from perfect, and they're really pissing me off too, but one party is stripping away my rights daily, and the other one is trying to at least preserve them. At this point, having different political parties really means there is an insurmountable difference in how you view fundamental values.

downtondiva · May 2024

He lied about voting, and given who I suspect he was voting for, he is likely lying about a lot of his values as well, which I'm betting are not in line with your own. Don't stay with someone you no longer feel you can trust.

End it because he's a cowardly liar.

Re: End it because he's a cowardly liar.

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